Blog of the Living Dead

Dear Internet,

I have decided to tell you a secret.  A poorly kept one.  Okay, so maybe not so much a secret as a tidbit of information, a morsel if you will.  And that morsel is this:

ZOMBIES TERRIFY ME.

And when I say terrify, I mean it legitimately.  Zombies scare the ever-loving bejeezus out of me.  Once upon a time, in my younger years, I was afraid of normal things, like vampires and ghosts and demons and things of that nature (now I realize the error of my ways and wear my blood type in bright shiny lettering with pride.  Because really?  If some hot vegetarian vampire named Edward thinks my blood is his cocaine?  I’m totally on board with that.) .  That all changed when I watched a flick entitled Dawn of the Dead

Because of that film, I literally prepare myself on a daily basis for a zombie invasion.  You never know when one might occur and I’d rather be prepared, thank you very much.  I consistently plan out my escape route and what weapons will be handy  and what would make the best home base (a room with only one entry point and a door that is heavy and has many locking mechanisms). 

(In a related (somewhat) sidenote, it’s also pertinent to have a full arsenal of household-items-that-double-as-weapons in case you’re ever attacked by The Strangers which, incidentally is not so much based on a true story but spooked me enough to realize that I have several lamps in the living room that would work very handily as head-bashing weaponry.  The TV tray tables would also do the job quite nicely, I presume.)

Of course, the sad reality is I’m more likely to be that really annoying crying chick that you really wish would hurry up and die already but manages to somehow stick it out until almost the very end of the movie.  I’m a first class wimp (case in point?  The DEATH FOG we encountered in Hawaii.  I’m 99% certain it was a government coverup of poisonous zombie making gas that they conveniently blamed on the volcano Kilauea, FYI.) and I know should I be approached (read: ATTACKED, BITTEN, BRAIN-VIOLATED) by a member of the recently reanimated dead, I am more likely to be zombie food than a bastion against the force of Zombie Nation. 

As an habitual planner, however, should I somehow manage to evade the horror of becoming a zombie/zombie dinner, I would very much prefer to have all my ducks in a row.  Hence, I plan for attack on a daily basis on the off-chance I wake up one morning and my husband is down at the end of the hallway and he’s looking at me like my lovely brain would indeed be a pretty tasty pre-breakfast morsel.  It’s good to have options you know what I mean? 

So there you have it internet.  I’m afraid of zombies.  Not as much as I’m scared of spiders, mind you.  But enough so that I think about it daily.  And if that day comes when we start hearing stories about some strange virus that makes people act kind of nutty and said people start munching on other people? 

Well you can bet your ass I’ll be ready with my M9.  (read: BAZOOKA)

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4 Comments to “Blog of the Living Dead”

  1. I was on the phone with my mom, laughing up a storm as I read this. My mom asked what was wrong with me and I replied, “Aleisha’s deathly afraid of zombies…” My mom’s reply was, “She always was a “special” one.” Then she proceeded to recount the multiple times she thought you were dying only to find out you were laughing hysterically 🙂

    • Lol! My husband just read your comment and agreed that I am indeed “A special one.” You should hear my mom and I together. We have the exact same laugh, if you can believe it.

  2. Umm I get u r scared of the zombies but. I do want to warn there r giant spiders hence me scared to….well let’s just say if we get invaded by giant spiders which can happen……I will become bff with Mr. M16 n his granddad bazooka.

    • Don’t even get me started on spiders. Really nothing needs that many legs and eyes. What is the purpose? Not to mention the jumping and the running and the hanging from the ceiling. Damnit, M1, now I’m going to have nightmares.

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