Why I’m Cooler than Avatar

I’m not, but it sparked your interest enough to look didn’t it?  You were all, Avatar’s pretty frickin cool and she’s COOLER?  I have got to read this!

Now I realize there are some naysayers out there who would disagree.  But you know what?  It IS cool.  Yeah, maybe the storyline is a tad vanilla and oh, really, James Cameron, is pollution bad?  All this time I shouldn’t have been making the environment my bitch?  Huh.  This is the first I’ve heard of such a thing.  Why hasn’t anyone alerted me to this before??

Moving on…Avatar is pretty frickin COOL.  Let’s dissect why, shall we?

Exhibit A

Sam Worthington.  Hi, hello.  I heartily applaud the decision to cast him as the replacement for the Governator in the Terminator Installments.  Reason 1) he’s got a cool accent.  Reason 2) he actually was HOTTER as a ten-foot tall tiger-skinned blue dude with a tail.  (Careful, Mbrotha, a fictional CGI character is giving you a run for your money.  You should probably do something.  Something big.  Like declare your undying love for me via the world’s most extravagant firework display while hopping on one foot and ribbon dancing and whistling Dreamweaver.  Something like that.)

Exhibit B

Sentient Trees.  Who are linked via the intertree network and you can go and download your thoughts into their leaves like a Pensieve only it’s all glowy instead of all silvery.  Now maybe these trees aren’t all, “Tree?! I’m no Tree!  I am an Ent, BARROOM, BARROOM.”  But tell me you didn’t get downright EMOTIONAL when Neytiri screams, “Eywa has heard you…EYWA HAS HEARD YOU!!”  Ha!  Take that pesky stupid humans with your guns and your flame-throwers and your hatred of planets. 

Exhibit C

Hammerhead Hippo Elephants.  If I were Omaticaya, I’d be that weirdo who was like, Six-legged horse?  Pshaw.  Ikran?  Please, like I want to be caught riding your rainbow-sherbet ass.  No, I’d be that Na’vi who looked at the Hammerhead hippo elephants and went, Yup, that’s my beast!  They RAM shit, for crying out loud!  Oh, what’s that Ikran?  You can fly you say?  Ooooo, exciting.  Can you knock down trees with just your NOSE????  No?  I think it’s clear who the victor is here.  And that’s why I’d be that weirdo Na’vi riding atop a Hammerhead hippo elephant.  I’d be Toruk Hammerhead hippo elephant-to.  I’d bring all the clans together for a time of great peace because they’d be so impressed with my beast that can ram shit with just it’s nose.  

You see?  Avatar=Cool.  Tell me you don’t want a Hammerhead hippo elephant of your very own.  Well you can’t have one.  Go fly an Ikran or ride a six-legged horse or be all bad-ass and try and tame Toruk.  Hammerhead hippo elephants are all mine.  I think I’ll name mine George Fluffington.


2 Comments to “Why I’m Cooler than Avatar”

  1. Well I really don’t want hammerhead hippo elephant as much as I want the tall blue tiger dude. Can we say Mrs.LETOWORTHINGTONSONGZMAXWELLGYLLENHAAL Yup thats me. In case you did not notice I am the so called Wifey/Girlfriend/BabyMama Leto, Worthington, Trey Songz, Maxwell, Gyllenhaal (what he was so pretty in Prince of Percia) Please. !!! So Yea keep your hippo thingy I like the 8 legged horse and the blue tiger looking dude(Mr. Worthington). But your Mr. Fluffington is mighty cute!!!!!

    • I will punch you in the stomach. See this? It’s our friendship contract. See this? It’s torn in half. You can have Trey Songz, and Maxwell, I’m pretty sure I’ve never laid claim to either of them, so I’m not entirely certain why they’re up for debate.

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