I’m a damn HERO is what I am

There are moments in my life that I’m pretty fricking sure I deserve an award of some sort.  Or a medal.  Yeah, I DEFINITELY deserve a medal.  Like instead of a “Purple Heart”, I should be awarded the “Teal Butterfly”.

“For strength and valor by a civilian in a time of great peril.”

 Or something that sounds equally as awesome-sounding.

I imagine it would look something like this:

Last summer, I absolutely deserved a “Teal Butterfly.”  And here’s why:

The day started out as any other.  Mbrotha was off doing manly chimney-like things.  Or playing paintball.  It was one of those.  I think.  The point is he was gone and not home and therefore was not the champion of this story.  Anyway, Mbrotha was off not being the hero of this story and I was home busy being awesome.  The dogs were outside and as they usually do, they were barking.  Here are some items that will spark their ire enough they feel it necessary to alert the entire friggin town of their existence:

General Squirrel Patton – preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse



Dangerous, dangerous Leaves.

And perhaps, scariest:

Nothing. At. All.


On this particular day, they began barking and I waited as I normally do because sometimes they’ll bark for a smattering of seconds before, Oo! Frisbee!  thus ensuring I do not have to interrupt my busy schedule of being awesome.  So I waited, hoping I would not have to politely request they cease and desist.  But, alas.  My awesomeness would have to wait. 

On this fine summer day, I left my house fully expecting to find my dogs barking at the lone dead leaf that skittered across the wasteland that is my backyard.  Below I have thoughtfully provided a schematic of my backyard. 

Google Earth ain't got nothing on this gal!


But I did not find a leaf.  No, Internet, I did not.  Instead I found something large and black and growly (ok, maybe not so growly…but it adds an element of suspense that was lacking so pretend it really was growly) and so odd that my brain could not process it for a full ten seconds.  And then I realized that my dogs, my precious, precious, lovely dogs were mere feet away from the large, black, growly thing and BY GOD! THAT WILL NOT DO!!!!

So I ran into the yard and placed myself between my dogs and the behemoth and shouted for it to SHOO! and BEGONE! and TRY IT SMOKY, JUST TRY! 

All this time I’d thought my precious, lovely dogs were alerting me to the impending squirrel world domination (they are vastly concerned with this.  It’s a for real threat, y’all.  For. Real.) but no.  No.  Unless you consider a two-ton black bear a second cousin twice-removed to a squirrel.  I don’t.  That’s just silly.  And this bear?  It had devious thoughts.  It definitely wanted to raid my fridge.  And my precious lovely dogs did their best to alert me.  But the bear was on the opposite side of the fence line.  And they knew, they knew if it crossed the line, it was a hop, skip and a jump to the fridge and all the deliciousness contained therein. 

American Black Bear
Image via Wikipedia

So it was up to me.  It was up to me to defend my home, and my dogs, and my refrigerator from Yogi over here.  I shoved my dogs back behind me and shouted at that bear and shook my fist. 

Yogi:  Hey, I hear you have some deliciousness inside your fridge.

Me:  Oh yeah?  Is that what you hear? 

Yogi:  Yeah, the squirrel’s have been talking.  I have it on good authority.

Me:  Oh well, hey, why don’t you give it a go then? 

Yogi:  Really?  Alright then.

Me:  Ha!  Trick question.  YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!!!

And then from the lowest dungeon to the highest peak I fought the Bear of Jellystone until at last I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the side of my yard.  Lots of darkness and stars and days as long as the life age of the earth happened.  And then I returned and I was “Ali the Gray” no longer.  No, now I’m “Ali the Magenta” and I’ve come back to you now, at the turn of the tide. 

So you plainly see, I am an obvious recipient of the “Teal Butterfly.” 

I saved my dogs that day.

And my fridge.

But mostly my dogs.


One Comment to “I’m a damn HERO is what I am”

  1. Oh yes you do deserve the Teal Butterfly and a kit kat also with marshmallow thingys. YAY

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