This is probably why I should not be left alone for long periods of time…

What happens when Ali goes bonkers with boredom? 

This:

Today I think I’m going to introduce a feature that I think will really break some ground.  The working title of this feature is “Invented Interchanges with the Illustrious.”  (I do heart me some alliteration.)  I think it’s going to be HUGE.  How many celebrity interviews have you read where the interviewer asks the same old boring questions?  Answer:  ALL OF THEM.  I’m prepared to change that.  I plan on asking the real questions, the real nitty-gritty stuff.  What we, the bourgeoisie, really want to know. 

I chose Mark Salling for my first foray into the world of interviewing because I follow him on Twitter and well, gosh darn, he just seems fun.  Plus his dog?  Hank?  Pretty flipping awesome.  He does that whole hold a treat on the nose then flip it into the air and eat it trick.  How could you not want to fake interview this guy??

Ahem.  🙂

Mark Salling (Puck from Glee)

Image by VancityAllie via Flickr

Mark Salling rocketed to fame after landing the role of Noah “Puck” Puckerman on the hit Fox show, “Glee.”  In addition to being all-around-hottie, Mark has also launched a solo record entitled Pipe Dreams.  We meet for a round of golf near his childhood home in Texas.

Me:  Mark, I feel it imperative to warn you, I’m an ace when it comes to golf.

Mark Salling:  Is that right?

Me:  Indeed.  I average a cool eleventy-five.  And that’s just the front nine.  In fact, I’m so damn talented at golf they had to rename it to AITMAAT:  Ali is the most awesome at this.

(We take a break from interviewing because Mark is overcome with the giggles due to my cleverness.)

Me:  Fact.  You had me at faux-hawk.

MS:  Yeah, I get that lot.

Me:  So, Mark, we’re all dying to know…in a war between zombies and vampires…who wins?

(He pauses to consider this.  This bodes well for our future friendship.)

MS:  Vampires.

Me:  Interesting.  Why’s that?

MS:  Because vampires retain their consciousness while zombies lose all remnants of who they formerly were.  Zombies main goal in unlife are brains, brains and more brains.  Blood is merely the main staple of a vampire diet.  Sure they go a little nutty when it’s spilled, but they can function outside of this craving and therefore are able to strategize and ultimately defeat the zombies.

Me:  You make valid points; I’m tempted to agree with you.  Unfortunately you are incorrect.

(I show him the following graph to help illustrate my point.)

Edward Cullen? Not so much.

Me:  As you can see, vampires and zombies share some commonalities between them, such as they’re both undead and they can transfer their affliction through biting.  Unfortunately, vampires have two fatal flaws.  You see, vampires require three bites—or an exchange of fluids depending on your source—so this requires persistence and planning ahead.  Zombification requires just one small bite in order to be transferred.  While vampires are busy planning for their minions, zombies are running around biting anyone they please, thereby just adding and adding to their army.  Also, vampires are allergic to sunlight.  This is their crucial weakness.  Zombies have no such allergy and can therefore make new zombie minions at any time of the day or night.  So you see, vampires may have the strength, but zombies have the numbers and will therefore, ultimately, be victorious.

MS:  You’ve really thought this through.

Me:  Of course.  You never know when the Zombiepocalypse is going to occur.

MS:  It pays to be prepared.

Me:  Exactly.  Speaking of the Zombiepocalypse…your best friend has turned into a zombie so you are allowed to engineer a brand-y new one.  What qualities do you look for?

MS:  This is *during* the Zombiepocalypse?

Me:  Mmmhmm.

MS:  Well then, I’d suppose I’d want my new best friend to have awesome stealth ninja-assassin skills.  And some mad archery/sniper proficiency.

Me:  Excellent choices.

MS:  They’d also have to have a sense of humor.  No sense going through the Zombiepocalypse all doomy and gloomy.

Me:  Why make a bleak situation even bleaker?  I get it.

MS:  Exactly!  And they’d need to be loyal.  I can’t have my best friend thinking they see a pretty girl—or guy depending on their preference—and you know, it’s been a while what with it being the Zombiepocalypse and all, so they run off and turns out it’s just a zombie with a sweet caboose and BAM!  Best friends a zombie!

Me:  Makes sense.  Bro’s before ho’s.

MS:  Bro code number 179:  Stay loyal to your fellow non-zombies lest you become one.

Me:  True that.  Okay, Mark, now for the tough stuff.  Finish this sentence:  Tony Romo is __________.

MS:  Easy.  Two words:  Overrated and a douche-canoe.

Me:  My thoughts exactly!  And I don’t even know what a douche-canoe is, even though this whole interview is just a figment of my imagination!  If anyone’s a douche-canoe though, it’s Tony Romo.

MS:  You know, Ali, I grew up in Texas and I’ve always felt it a damn shame there isn’t a football team that better represented this fine state.

Me:  Well, the Texans are starting to come around…

MS:  I suppose.  Even still, they’ll never live up to the majesty of say, I don’t know, the New York Giants.

Me:  So true, Mark, so very true.

(We pause for a moment to savor this time of bonding.)

Me:  Okay, so there’s this new game-show.  It’s pretty simple.  You get twelve gazillion dollars for committing and following through with one of the following three choices.  A)  You tattoo an homage to Betty White across your entire back and chest.  B)  You participate in an ad campaign for an up-and-coming hot dog vendor by standing naked in the middle of Times Square shouting at passerby to please, ask you about your wiener.  Or C)  You drink a gallon of toilet water.  Which do you choose?

MS:  Hm, that’s a tough one.  How long do I have to stand out in Times Square?

Betty White at the premiere for The Proposal

Image via Wikipedia

 

Me:  Twelve hours.  That way you hit both the lunch and dinner rush.

MS:  Smart.  Winter or summer?

Me:  Summer.  We don’t want you to freeze.

MS:  The toilet water:  dirty or clean?

Me:  Clean.  We don’t want you to contract any communicable diseases.

MS:  Just Betty’s face or multiple photos?

Me:  Multiple.  We call it, “ Betty through the Golden Years.”

(He pauses to consider his options.)

MS:  B) Stand naked in Times Square shouting at passerby to ask me about my wiener.

Me:  Really?!  Well, color me shocked.  I honestly thought you’d choose A.

MS:  That’s abundantly interesting as this entire interview is a figment of your imagination.

Me:  Psychiatrists wet dream right here, Mark.  Ok, last question before I lay the most epic of smack downs on you in AITMAAT.  E.T.:  The Extra-Terrestrial…what are your thoughts?

MS:  Awful film.  Elliott’s a whiny bitch-ass.  And is no one concerned that E.T. goes all gray and zombie-like?  Their fucking scientists.  This doesn’t worry them in the slightest?  Thanks for the Zombiepocalypse, mofo’s.

Me:  You’re my hero.

And there you have it folks.  Ali S. – Fake interviewing celebrities around the globe.

FYI, when the Zombiepocalypse happens (and it absolutely will) I totally call dibs on Mark Salling for my Zombie-fighting posse.  He gets it.  And that’s a quality I admire.

P.S.  Zombies always win the vs. game.  No matter what.  Zombies ALWAYS win.  The world is doomed.

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2 Comments to “This is probably why I should not be left alone for long periods of time…”

  1. I think Your old job soooo fried you mente. Yup sure did. And get this I so LOVE MS but again I would have to differ on the E.T. comments and what evers.

  2. Oh, I know it did. But now I have oodles and oodles of time to think up imaginary interviews with celebrities and life is just swell. I know you differ on the E.T. thing. Everyone does. That’s why it’s included on my list of Things I’d Prefer to Stab with a Sword but everyone else pretty much loves.

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