Archive for December, 2010

December 13, 2010

Manic Monday

(On the way home from M6’s work Christmas party.  Which I crashed.  Kind of.  Like as her date.  So not really crashing at all.  No, no, let’s stick with I crashed the party.  Cause I’m bad-ass like that..)

M6 motorway

Image via Wikipedia

Me:  Sooooooooooo…M6, listen, I was on the Tweeter the other day.

M6:  Do tell.

Me:  Yeah, and somehow I’m following all these Echelon that I don’t know, which is cool, you know, ‘cause they’re Echelon.

M6:  Of course.

Me:  Anyhoosy…there’s this one girl I’m following, somehow, though I don’t remember signing up to follow her, but that’s really beside the point isn’t it?  Anyway, so the other day, she sends this Twit to our dear friends, @jaredleto, @shannonleto, and @tomofromearth.

M6:  I think I’ve heard of these people of which you speak.

Me:  Have you?   They’re pretty awesome-ish.

M6:  You don’t say.

Me:  True story.

(Oh how we giggled!  Such fun, such fun!)

Me:  So listen, M6, this girl says…wait for it…seriously, she says, OMG this is just too much to comprehend!  Whoa!  Check out that house!  That light could land planes!  That light annoys me every day that I drive home from work.

M6:  ….

Me:  Right.  So she says the following:  “Today I realized that I’m emotionally connected to you and if anything happens to you, I’ll commit suicide.”

M6:  ::shocked face::

Me:  I know! 

M6:  Well, that’s just um, extreme-ish…

Me:  Yeah!  Listen, I heart 30STM, I do, but um, enough to end my own life?  NO.

M6:  Agreed.

Me:  At the end of the day, I don’t know them, and I’m not sure I’d end my life for anyone, least of all someone I don’t know.

M6:  Completely with you on that one. 

Me:  And furthermore, I wouldn’t want anyone to end theirs for me. 

M6:  Yeah, that’d be a bit extreme.

Me:  Well, except for Mbrotha. 

M6:  Ummm…

Me:  No, I mean, NO!  I wouldn’t want him to do that.  But let’s say I expire and have found my way to the Great Big Beyond.  I’m just saying that Mbrotha would probably be so distraught about this, he’d find a way to join me there.

M6:  Naturally.

Me:  But no, I wouldn’t want him to do that.

M6:  Of course not.

Me:  But supposing I was in the Great Big Beyond…

M6:  I can’t wait to see where this is going.

Me:  Well, I’m just saying Mbrotha would probably want to be there with me.

M6:  Naturally. 

Me:  I mean, if he knew what was good for him.

M6:  Well, duh.

Me:  And God help him if he doesn’t!

M6:  Obviously.

Me:  Because I’d totally come back and haunt his ass. 

M6:  It’s only fair. 

Me:  That’s what I’m saying! 

(Thirty seconds later)

Me:  Sometimes, our conversations take a turn…

M6:  You don’t say…

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December 9, 2010

Boredom, Day Eleventy: Salesmanship

Limited Time Offer!  Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Ali!

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An Ali!*

*The Ali pictured above may not be the Ali you receive. 

December 3, 2010

Boredom, Day Five: Woot, Woot!

Check it out!  It only took me like eleventy million tries, but at last, AT LAST!! success is mine!

Spider Solitaire should write odes to me! 

Also, after this post, I had several comments from those nearest and dearest stating that perhaps I should write a book. 

A)  I’m flattered. 

B)  Okay!  Let’s do this! 

So, I guess, be prepared for some mumbling and grumbling in the weeks ahead because I’m sure it’s not going to go smoothly.  Forewarned is prepared.  Or something. 

But FYI, if someone says they’d like to pay me money to interview Jared Leto and find out his take on s’mores (world’s greatest food pairing OR highly overrated/room for improvement) I’m one hundred eleventy percent on board with that idea. 

P.S.  The correct answer is world’s greatest food pairing. 

December 1, 2010

Contemplations in boredom, Day Three: Entrepreneurialism

Spider Solitaire (Windows)

Image via Wikipedia

Dude, Internet, I’m having one of those days.  You know the kind of day where you spend your day writing an ode to “Spider Solitaire?”  That kind of day?  One of those.  What does it mean?  Am I having an existential crisis?  That doesn’t seem likely.  I feel pretty comfortable with my place in the universe.  Mid-life crisis then?  I fucking hope not.  That means I expire far sooner than I’m ready too.  I have a lot of things I want to do in my life and thirty years is not nearly enough time to accomplish those things, thanksverymuch.  So no, not a mid-life crisis.

Oh God, Internet, I know what it is!  I know what’s afflicting me.

Boredom.

Internet, I’m sooooooooooooooooooo bored.  Seems innocuous enough, but I assure you it’s not.  I have always far preferred being busy versus not.   Some people can sit around with their own company and they are perfectly comfortable and at ease doing just that.  Not this gal.  And not because it forces me to look inside and face my own mind.  I’m really comfortable with what bonks around in there.  Me and my brain?  We’re besties.  Sitting around doing nothing just simply makes me feel inactive.  Wasteful.  And that in turn makes me feel anxious and irritable and eventually the kind of batty that generally results in ode’s to computer card games. 

I know the culprit of my boredom.  A lot of it is a direct result of being smack-dab in the middle of the slow season at work (I wrote an ode to Spider Solitaire today, does that give you some idea as to how slow it is?  The other day I wrote a fake interview with Mark Salling.  And was so amused by it that I literally had to stop myself from laughing out loud at least a dozen times while writing it.).  The rest of it is because I finally figured out what my passion is.  I hard-core love writing.  I realized it’s my thang.  This has resulted in insane boredom whenever I’m doing work other than writing.  It consumes my thoughts.  I dream about it.  I can’t wait to get home and write, write, write.  I intensely wish that I had figured this out when I was young and stupid and carefree because I’m quite positive my life would be a heck of a lot different right about now (My professional one.  The rest of it I like just fine.).

I’ve spent a lot of time in my brain the past few weeks and I’ve started thinking how I might entice an eMagazine, like thegloss.com, to hire me as a columnist.  I’ve met me and I’d hire me.  They say you’re your own worst critic so this is probably the best recommendation in the history of recommendations.  I could be their Celebrity Interviewer Columinist.  I’d revolutionize it.  They’d have the most awesome celebrity interviews.  They’d kick every other eMag’s butt. 

Competitor eMag:  Oh, hey, I just interviewed Mark Salling.  I found out he hates his faux-hawk.  Praise me for this awesome journalism!

Me:  Oh really?  You found out he hates his faux-hawk?  Did you find out where he stands on “Vampires vs. Zombies (to the victor goes the humans)?”

Competitor eMag:  Uhhhh….no?

Me:  Well, I did.  And that’s why Mark and I will survive the Zombiepocalypse.  And you probably won’t.  But props to you on the hard-hitting investigative journalism!

This is probably word for word exactly how it would happen.  You’re welcome, thegloss.com.

The other day I was thinking what my form letter requesting they hire me would look like.  Proabably something like this:

It's not pink...but it is scented.

 

Best.  Form Letter.  Ever.

Who wouldn’t want to hire me after a gem like that?  (Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.)

Now would probably be a swell time to post my ode to “Spider Solitaire.”

“Ode to Spider Solitaire.”

Oh, Spider Solitaire, you fickle beast

I thought I had bested you

With just one suit, I conquered you time and time again

Look at me win! 

I am Ali “Spider Solitaire Champion.”

But then you sly brute, you

You whisper, “Now try me with two suits and see how you do.”

Oh, Spider Solitaire!

You got me!

But wait! 

I have bested you again!

Behold Ali! “Spider Solitaire Champion!”

Not to be outdone, you bellow:  “NOW TRY ME WITH FOUR SUITS!”

And so I have

Oh, Spider Solitaire, you have foiled me!

You best me time and time again

But take care, Spider Solitaire!

I will conquer you!

And if I don’t?

I’m switching back to Freecell.

Not only am I the most awesome of awesomest celebrity interviewers, I write a pretty mean ode if I do say so myself. 

Tag, you’re it, thegloss.com.