Leprechauns, Zombies, and Jared Leto. Yeah, that sounds about right.

Oh boy, Internet.  It’s time again for that much-anticipated, and much loved by all (and by all, I mean me) feature on this blog.

Yes, that’s right.  It’s time again for:

“Invented Interchanges with the Illustrious.”

Or,

“What happens when Ali is left to her own devices.”

Or,

“I can’t be trusted around celebrities.  I really, really can’t.”

Once upon a time, I met Dave Tango of Ghost Hunters fame.  The short story of that meeting:  I accosted him, thanked him for having me to an event I paid money to attend, mumbled gibberish at him, then stared at dopey-eyed at him while snubbing each and every one of his co-stars.

Thankfully, I obtained some social graces prior to meeting one Mr. Danny Gokey of American Idol fame.  Danny and I shared a moment, y’all.  And by a moment I mean I spoke coherently and waited until I was at least fifty yards away to squeal girlishly.

Progress, right?

It is, therefore, my opinion that I should meet Jared Leto.  He’s hosting a Q&A about “Hurricane:  The Film,” at the Montalbal Theatre in LA on Monday.  And naturally, I have already planned exactly how I will attend this event despite the fact that I have yet to actually participate in any contest to win tickets. 

I imagine it would go something like this:

(I should preface this by saying I do not know Jared Leto.  At all.  Like not even a little.  So this interview?  Purely fictional.)

(Although there was this one nanosecond at the Oakdale two weeks ago where he kinda, sorta looked in my direction and may or may not have locked eyes with me as he scanned the crowd.  Maybe.  It was kind of dark and I was jumping up and down at the time, so it’s hard to be sure.  So I guess I do know him a tiny bit.  Kinda.  Sorta.  Maybe.)

Setting:  Montalban Theatre, Los Angeles, CA

Who:  Me!, Jared Leto, a bunch of other people

Me:  Hey, Jay. 

(Look at me all familiar with a celebrity I haven’t even met.  Except for that one kinda, sorta time.)

Jared Leto:  Hey, Ali.

Me:  Soooooooo….Hurricane.  Wow.

JL:  Thank you.

Me:  No, thank you.  Any favorite moments in the film?

(Technically, thanks Bart Cubbins.)

JL:  There are several. 

Me:  Hit me.

JL:  I’m partial to the scene in the beginning where I jump out of the window.  The scene’s of Tomo playing the violin and Shannon playing the drums, and the shot of the coffins with the American Flags on them.

Me:  Get the hell out of dodge!  Those are my favorites as well!

JL:  Makes sense.  This is a figment of your imagination.

Me:  Good point.

Me:  So, Jay, I’m really dying to know, as I’m sure others are as well…why one, two, three, five? 

JL:  You noticed that did you? 

Me:  Five years of French.  I was bound to retain something.

JL:  Is that all you remember?

Me:  No, no.  I can also tell you that I’d really, really like a glass of apple juice, please. 

JL:  That’s a handy skill.

Me:  At least I’ll never go thirsty should I ever visit France. 

JL:  You might get sick of apple juice.

Me:  Gosh I hope not.

Me:  So tell me, when you had the mars hawk, did you find that the pink faded incredibly quickly?

JL:  So fast.  It was depressing.

Me:  Tell me about it.  Mine faded in a week and a half.  I’m still bummed.

JL:  Understandable.

Me:  Any chance we’ll see the Marshawk again? 

JL:  I’d say it’s not outside the realm of possibility. 

Me:  ::big grin::

Me:  Okay, tell me, in a battle between leprechauns and zombies, who wins?

JL:  Zombies.

Me:  Oh my God, I love you.

JL:  Zombies always win the versus game. 

Me:  Those are the most perfect words anyone has ever said to me.  How do you feel about green beans?

JL:  They’re pretty awesome.  Especially when they’re drizzled with a little balsamic vinegar.

Me:  Okay, seriously, do you need someone to like, wipe you with a towel onstage?  Or open your water bottles?  Hell, I’ll open the blinds on the bus.  I’ll be the official blind-raiser.  I’ll pull them down too.  You want to look outside?  Done.  Feeling shy?  Done.  I’m your girl. 

JL:  I think that could be arranged. 

Me:  Wait, wait, hang on.  Before I get ahead of myself, I have to know, because this could be a potential deal breaker.

JL:  Okay, hit me with it, I’m ready.

Me:  S’mores.  Your honest opinion.

JL:  My honest opinion?

Me:  Yes.

JL:  Best. Food.  Pairing.  Ever.

Me:  ::no response, cause I’m busy dying of awe, thanks very much::

And there you have it folks.  Another stunning installment of “Invented Interchanges with the Illustrious.”

(And again, I don’t know Jared Leto.  I don’t know his opinion of green beans, or s’mores.  And he very well may feel that leprechauns will win the versus game.  He may argue that leprechauns will win because they have bottomless pits of gold to buy weapons with and they can somehow manage to trick zombies into a fruitless search after their lucky charms. 

He’d be wrong.  But that may be how he’d feel.  Because I don’t know him.  Except for a little bit.  Kinda, sorta.)

(It’d be totally cool if he wanted to be friends, though.)

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