Archive for ‘Crush on This!’

February 18, 2011

It’s the thought that counts, right?

Every now and again I have one of those “Aha!” moments.  You know the kind where you’re bumbling along trying to find your way and then all of a sudden something happens and you go, “Yes!  That right there!  That’s what I’m looking for!  That’s it!”  And all of a sudden birds are singing and the sun is shining and your outlook on life is just fucking amazing.  You know those moments?

I had one of those moments today.  I had no idea it was about to happen either.  I was just sitting there, minding my own business, fake-interviewing celebrities while eating my lunch. 

And Whammo!

It hits me.  This realization I’ve been searching for for ages.  And it happened at the most innocuous of times and when I was least expecting it.  A co-worker mentioned that she’s going to Haiti in March for volunteer work.  She’s volunteered once already and this is her second year going. 

That’s all it took.  I was hooked. 

Aha!

Look, let’s take a moment and air the dirty laundry.  I used to do this job I absolutely fucking hated for this company I liked even less.  Spawn of Satan is not even remotely an apt description.  It put me in this huge funk that, at times, I was positive I would never be able to recover from.  Just……bloody fucking awful.  Somehow, a miracle occurred and I was able to tell the “Dude” to go fuck off and here’s your suck-ass job to do it with (And by that I mean I politely quit and thanked them for the opportunity.). 

The end of that job allowed me to start thinking again.  Thoughts that I make available here, whether you care to hear them or not (you totally do though, let’s face it, I’m made of awesome-sauce and win).  And over the course of the last eight months I’ve figured out that I want more from my life.  Unfortunately, I’m still vastly uncertain exactly what “more” I’m looking for.  Thankfully, every now and again the universe sees fit to throw me a bone and I have an “Aha!” moment.  Thanks Universe, you rock. 

One time in my life I’d like to do something that doesn’t benefit me in any way.  When I heard about my co-worker’s trip today, I was just amazed.  I want to do that.  I want to go somewhere and help someone I don’t know simply because I can.  I want to help make a difference somewhere.  So now I just have to figure out where.  Who’s going to be lucky enough to get this girl? 

I think it’d be more accurate to say, who’s going to be unlucky enough to get this girl.  What I lack in upper-body strength, I make up for in smile-wattage.  I hope that accounts for something. 

I’m also not a huge fan of bugs or sweating.  But I can save you from the Zombiepocalypse.  At least, I’m pretty sure I can.  I haven’t had to test out my skills yet and I’d like to keep it that way.

Now it looks like I’m making fun of volunteering.  Great. 

Worst.  Volunteer.  Candidate.  Ever.

November 29, 2010

This is probably why I should not be left alone for long periods of time…

What happens when Ali goes bonkers with boredom? 

This:

Today I think I’m going to introduce a feature that I think will really break some ground.  The working title of this feature is “Invented Interchanges with the Illustrious.”  (I do heart me some alliteration.)  I think it’s going to be HUGE.  How many celebrity interviews have you read where the interviewer asks the same old boring questions?  Answer:  ALL OF THEM.  I’m prepared to change that.  I plan on asking the real questions, the real nitty-gritty stuff.  What we, the bourgeoisie, really want to know. 

I chose Mark Salling for my first foray into the world of interviewing because I follow him on Twitter and well, gosh darn, he just seems fun.  Plus his dog?  Hank?  Pretty flipping awesome.  He does that whole hold a treat on the nose then flip it into the air and eat it trick.  How could you not want to fake interview this guy??

Ahem.  🙂

Mark Salling (Puck from Glee)

Image by VancityAllie via Flickr

Mark Salling rocketed to fame after landing the role of Noah “Puck” Puckerman on the hit Fox show, “Glee.”  In addition to being all-around-hottie, Mark has also launched a solo record entitled Pipe Dreams.  We meet for a round of golf near his childhood home in Texas.

Me:  Mark, I feel it imperative to warn you, I’m an ace when it comes to golf.

Mark Salling:  Is that right?

Me:  Indeed.  I average a cool eleventy-five.  And that’s just the front nine.  In fact, I’m so damn talented at golf they had to rename it to AITMAAT:  Ali is the most awesome at this.

(We take a break from interviewing because Mark is overcome with the giggles due to my cleverness.)

Me:  Fact.  You had me at faux-hawk.

MS:  Yeah, I get that lot.

Me:  So, Mark, we’re all dying to know…in a war between zombies and vampires…who wins?

(He pauses to consider this.  This bodes well for our future friendship.)

MS:  Vampires.

Me:  Interesting.  Why’s that?

MS:  Because vampires retain their consciousness while zombies lose all remnants of who they formerly were.  Zombies main goal in unlife are brains, brains and more brains.  Blood is merely the main staple of a vampire diet.  Sure they go a little nutty when it’s spilled, but they can function outside of this craving and therefore are able to strategize and ultimately defeat the zombies.

Me:  You make valid points; I’m tempted to agree with you.  Unfortunately you are incorrect.

(I show him the following graph to help illustrate my point.)

Edward Cullen? Not so much.

Me:  As you can see, vampires and zombies share some commonalities between them, such as they’re both undead and they can transfer their affliction through biting.  Unfortunately, vampires have two fatal flaws.  You see, vampires require three bites—or an exchange of fluids depending on your source—so this requires persistence and planning ahead.  Zombification requires just one small bite in order to be transferred.  While vampires are busy planning for their minions, zombies are running around biting anyone they please, thereby just adding and adding to their army.  Also, vampires are allergic to sunlight.  This is their crucial weakness.  Zombies have no such allergy and can therefore make new zombie minions at any time of the day or night.  So you see, vampires may have the strength, but zombies have the numbers and will therefore, ultimately, be victorious.

MS:  You’ve really thought this through.

Me:  Of course.  You never know when the Zombiepocalypse is going to occur.

MS:  It pays to be prepared.

Me:  Exactly.  Speaking of the Zombiepocalypse…your best friend has turned into a zombie so you are allowed to engineer a brand-y new one.  What qualities do you look for?

MS:  This is *during* the Zombiepocalypse?

Me:  Mmmhmm.

MS:  Well then, I’d suppose I’d want my new best friend to have awesome stealth ninja-assassin skills.  And some mad archery/sniper proficiency.

Me:  Excellent choices.

MS:  They’d also have to have a sense of humor.  No sense going through the Zombiepocalypse all doomy and gloomy.

Me:  Why make a bleak situation even bleaker?  I get it.

MS:  Exactly!  And they’d need to be loyal.  I can’t have my best friend thinking they see a pretty girl—or guy depending on their preference—and you know, it’s been a while what with it being the Zombiepocalypse and all, so they run off and turns out it’s just a zombie with a sweet caboose and BAM!  Best friends a zombie!

Me:  Makes sense.  Bro’s before ho’s.

MS:  Bro code number 179:  Stay loyal to your fellow non-zombies lest you become one.

Me:  True that.  Okay, Mark, now for the tough stuff.  Finish this sentence:  Tony Romo is __________.

MS:  Easy.  Two words:  Overrated and a douche-canoe.

Me:  My thoughts exactly!  And I don’t even know what a douche-canoe is, even though this whole interview is just a figment of my imagination!  If anyone’s a douche-canoe though, it’s Tony Romo.

MS:  You know, Ali, I grew up in Texas and I’ve always felt it a damn shame there isn’t a football team that better represented this fine state.

Me:  Well, the Texans are starting to come around…

MS:  I suppose.  Even still, they’ll never live up to the majesty of say, I don’t know, the New York Giants.

Me:  So true, Mark, so very true.

(We pause for a moment to savor this time of bonding.)

Me:  Okay, so there’s this new game-show.  It’s pretty simple.  You get twelve gazillion dollars for committing and following through with one of the following three choices.  A)  You tattoo an homage to Betty White across your entire back and chest.  B)  You participate in an ad campaign for an up-and-coming hot dog vendor by standing naked in the middle of Times Square shouting at passerby to please, ask you about your wiener.  Or C)  You drink a gallon of toilet water.  Which do you choose?

MS:  Hm, that’s a tough one.  How long do I have to stand out in Times Square?

Betty White at the premiere for The Proposal

Image via Wikipedia

 

Me:  Twelve hours.  That way you hit both the lunch and dinner rush.

MS:  Smart.  Winter or summer?

Me:  Summer.  We don’t want you to freeze.

MS:  The toilet water:  dirty or clean?

Me:  Clean.  We don’t want you to contract any communicable diseases.

MS:  Just Betty’s face or multiple photos?

Me:  Multiple.  We call it, “ Betty through the Golden Years.”

(He pauses to consider his options.)

MS:  B) Stand naked in Times Square shouting at passerby to ask me about my wiener.

Me:  Really?!  Well, color me shocked.  I honestly thought you’d choose A.

MS:  That’s abundantly interesting as this entire interview is a figment of your imagination.

Me:  Psychiatrists wet dream right here, Mark.  Ok, last question before I lay the most epic of smack downs on you in AITMAAT.  E.T.:  The Extra-Terrestrial…what are your thoughts?

MS:  Awful film.  Elliott’s a whiny bitch-ass.  And is no one concerned that E.T. goes all gray and zombie-like?  Their fucking scientists.  This doesn’t worry them in the slightest?  Thanks for the Zombiepocalypse, mofo’s.

Me:  You’re my hero.

And there you have it folks.  Ali S. – Fake interviewing celebrities around the globe.

FYI, when the Zombiepocalypse happens (and it absolutely will) I totally call dibs on Mark Salling for my Zombie-fighting posse.  He gets it.  And that’s a quality I admire.

P.S.  Zombies always win the vs. game.  No matter what.  Zombies ALWAYS win.  The world is doomed.

November 26, 2010

Swords, Zombies, and Cartoons: This post’s got it all

I had a conversation with a coworker recently and it inspired me enough to write this post.  She discovered that I’m a bit of a book whore and since then we’ve been making recommendations to one another.  Currently I’m in my Young Adult phase and was trying to describe the premise of The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins and she was trying to remember a novel that pretty much every high-schooler reads in their high school career that had a similar post-apocalyptic/utopian kind of feel.  The only two books I can remember reading in high school are Animal Farm and The Catcher in the Rye

I hated both.  Like really hated them.  In a stab-them-with-a-sword-and-display-them-at-the-edge-of-my-yard kind of way.  (Behold!  I am Ali “The Book Impaler!”  Write an interesting novel and ye shall not be impaled!)

When I mentioned this, she regarded me in that typical you hated “The Catcher in the Rye”??? kind of disbelief that most normal folk exhibit upon hearing this sort of earth-shattering news.  Yes, yes, I did.  Holden’s a whiny bitch-ass.  And I don’t much care for repetition.  At certain points of any story, it can be quite effective, yes, agreed.  Calling every person you meet—every single damn one of them—a phony?  Not effective.  It’s aggravating in a stab-you-with-a-sword-and-display-you-at-the-edge-of-the-yard kind of way.  Grow up and grow a pair, Holden. 

But then my co-worker surprised me.  She admitted that she, too, hated it initially.  But she reread it this summer and you know what??  She realized that it’s actually quite funny.  And she suggested I reread it.  Great.  Now she’s on the bandwagon of “Holden Caulfield is the shiznit!”.  Sigh.  Somehow, though, this whole conversation inspired me though.  I realized I barely remember TCITR.  I don’t remember the plot at all, other than Holden’s a whiny bitch-ass that apparently has a limited vocabulary.  So how can I honestly say I hate this book?  And that line of thinking led me to think of all the other things in life I hated that everyone else loved.  And I realized most of the things that I hate originate from my childhood and I haven’t really viewed any of them with an adult eye so perhaps I really don’t hate these things in all reality. 

So you know what?  Challenge accepted, Linds!

Without further ado, I present to you the list of “Things I’d prefer to stab with a sword, but everyone else pretty much loves.”  I’ve decided I will revisit these terrible things and possibly formulate a new opinion.  I will then post said opinion on this here bloggity blog for your viewing pleasure.  I know, I know, I’m just too awesome for words.  It happens.  It’s science.

Things I’d prefer to stab with a sword, but everyone else pretty much loves:

1.  The Catcher in the Rye” by J.D. Salinger –  My current opinion:  Holden’s a whiny bitch-ass who needs to open a thesaurus once in a while.  My updated opinion will be a while on this one.  I’m rereading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows because I desperately want to see the movie but I read it so fast the first time three years ago that I barely remember what happens.  So once that’s all set and done, I’ll tackle TCITR.

Cover of

Cover via Amazon

 2.  “E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial” – My current opinion:  Elliott’s a whiny bitch-ass who needs to get some friends.  Some human ones.  I was nervous about displaying my opinion on this one.  People feel really strongly about E.T.  Mostly I think I hated this movie because E.T. goes all gray and zombie-like and Elliott’s really annoying when he cries about it.  I’ll let you know.  I’m pretty sure I can on-demand it so my updated opinion will be along shortly.

3.  The Beatles My current opinion:  I actually really like them.  So, why then, you ask, are they included on the sword-stabbing list?  In high school (well beyond The Beatles era) it seemed everyone and their brother were experiencing Beatlemania.  And to this day I cannot figure out why.  So that’s why I’m including them on this list.

4.  “A Charlie Brown Christmas – My current opinion:  Kill me now.  Honest to God, I’m looking forward to this one the least.  I want to viciously stab this movie.  But it’s been years since I’ve watched it.  So I don’t think it’s fair that I want to stab it and impale it on like seven different swords. 

That’s all I can think of right now.  Give me some suggestions.  Chances are if you liked it, I probably hated it.  I’m contrary like that.  Maybe we’ll make this an annual thing.

November 20, 2010

Is all of them a choice?

Once upon a time, when this here blog was nothing more than a bloggy sparkle in mine own eye, I didn’t give much thought to exactly how far I wanted to go with it.  I didn’t really give much thought to a title, or a niche.  Somewhere along the way that changed and now I’ve developed this voracious desire for more readers and subscribers.  Not that there’s anything wrong with the ones I have now.  You guys rock!  You’re the bestest!  Here I drew you a picture:

Anyway, turns out I want to go legit.  I want my own domain name.  I want a web host.  And I want opinions on the best possible name for this bloggity blog.  Ipso facto, I have created the poll below.  Please choose one.  Or three.  Or all of them.  Or nominate your own creative suggestion. 

 

That’s all I’ve got.  No, wait, I also gift you this:

Brain:  “Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”

Pinky:  “I think so, Brain, but if Pinocchio were carved out of bacon it wouldn’t be the same story, would it?”

November 9, 2010

Why I’m Cooler than Avatar

I’m not, but it sparked your interest enough to look didn’t it?  You were all, Avatar’s pretty frickin cool and she’s COOLER?  I have got to read this!

Now I realize there are some naysayers out there who would disagree.  But you know what?  It IS cool.  Yeah, maybe the storyline is a tad vanilla and oh, really, James Cameron, is pollution bad?  All this time I shouldn’t have been making the environment my bitch?  Huh.  This is the first I’ve heard of such a thing.  Why hasn’t anyone alerted me to this before??

Moving on…Avatar is pretty frickin COOL.  Let’s dissect why, shall we?

Exhibit A

Sam Worthington.  Hi, hello.  I heartily applaud the decision to cast him as the replacement for the Governator in the Terminator Installments.  Reason 1) he’s got a cool accent.  Reason 2) he actually was HOTTER as a ten-foot tall tiger-skinned blue dude with a tail.  (Careful, Mbrotha, a fictional CGI character is giving you a run for your money.  You should probably do something.  Something big.  Like declare your undying love for me via the world’s most extravagant firework display while hopping on one foot and ribbon dancing and whistling Dreamweaver.  Something like that.)

Exhibit B

Sentient Trees.  Who are linked via the intertree network and you can go and download your thoughts into their leaves like a Pensieve only it’s all glowy instead of all silvery.  Now maybe these trees aren’t all, “Tree?! I’m no Tree!  I am an Ent, BARROOM, BARROOM.”  But tell me you didn’t get downright EMOTIONAL when Neytiri screams, “Eywa has heard you…EYWA HAS HEARD YOU!!”  Ha!  Take that pesky stupid humans with your guns and your flame-throwers and your hatred of planets. 

Exhibit C

Hammerhead Hippo Elephants.  If I were Omaticaya, I’d be that weirdo who was like, Six-legged horse?  Pshaw.  Ikran?  Please, like I want to be caught riding your rainbow-sherbet ass.  No, I’d be that Na’vi who looked at the Hammerhead hippo elephants and went, Yup, that’s my beast!  They RAM shit, for crying out loud!  Oh, what’s that Ikran?  You can fly you say?  Ooooo, exciting.  Can you knock down trees with just your NOSE????  No?  I think it’s clear who the victor is here.  And that’s why I’d be that weirdo Na’vi riding atop a Hammerhead hippo elephant.  I’d be Toruk Hammerhead hippo elephant-to.  I’d bring all the clans together for a time of great peace because they’d be so impressed with my beast that can ram shit with just it’s nose.  

You see?  Avatar=Cool.  Tell me you don’t want a Hammerhead hippo elephant of your very own.  Well you can’t have one.  Go fly an Ikran or ride a six-legged horse or be all bad-ass and try and tame Toruk.  Hammerhead hippo elephants are all mine.  I think I’ll name mine George Fluffington.