Archive for ‘Guaranteed hate-mail’

February 18, 2011

It’s the thought that counts, right?

Every now and again I have one of those “Aha!” moments.  You know the kind where you’re bumbling along trying to find your way and then all of a sudden something happens and you go, “Yes!  That right there!  That’s what I’m looking for!  That’s it!”  And all of a sudden birds are singing and the sun is shining and your outlook on life is just fucking amazing.  You know those moments?

I had one of those moments today.  I had no idea it was about to happen either.  I was just sitting there, minding my own business, fake-interviewing celebrities while eating my lunch. 

And Whammo!

It hits me.  This realization I’ve been searching for for ages.  And it happened at the most innocuous of times and when I was least expecting it.  A co-worker mentioned that she’s going to Haiti in March for volunteer work.  She’s volunteered once already and this is her second year going. 

That’s all it took.  I was hooked. 

Aha!

Look, let’s take a moment and air the dirty laundry.  I used to do this job I absolutely fucking hated for this company I liked even less.  Spawn of Satan is not even remotely an apt description.  It put me in this huge funk that, at times, I was positive I would never be able to recover from.  Just……bloody fucking awful.  Somehow, a miracle occurred and I was able to tell the “Dude” to go fuck off and here’s your suck-ass job to do it with (And by that I mean I politely quit and thanked them for the opportunity.). 

The end of that job allowed me to start thinking again.  Thoughts that I make available here, whether you care to hear them or not (you totally do though, let’s face it, I’m made of awesome-sauce and win).  And over the course of the last eight months I’ve figured out that I want more from my life.  Unfortunately, I’m still vastly uncertain exactly what “more” I’m looking for.  Thankfully, every now and again the universe sees fit to throw me a bone and I have an “Aha!” moment.  Thanks Universe, you rock. 

One time in my life I’d like to do something that doesn’t benefit me in any way.  When I heard about my co-worker’s trip today, I was just amazed.  I want to do that.  I want to go somewhere and help someone I don’t know simply because I can.  I want to help make a difference somewhere.  So now I just have to figure out where.  Who’s going to be lucky enough to get this girl? 

I think it’d be more accurate to say, who’s going to be unlucky enough to get this girl.  What I lack in upper-body strength, I make up for in smile-wattage.  I hope that accounts for something. 

I’m also not a huge fan of bugs or sweating.  But I can save you from the Zombiepocalypse.  At least, I’m pretty sure I can.  I haven’t had to test out my skills yet and I’d like to keep it that way.

Now it looks like I’m making fun of volunteering.  Great. 

Worst.  Volunteer.  Candidate.  Ever.

December 13, 2010

Manic Monday

(On the way home from M6’s work Christmas party.  Which I crashed.  Kind of.  Like as her date.  So not really crashing at all.  No, no, let’s stick with I crashed the party.  Cause I’m bad-ass like that..)

M6 motorway

Image via Wikipedia

Me:  Sooooooooooo…M6, listen, I was on the Tweeter the other day.

M6:  Do tell.

Me:  Yeah, and somehow I’m following all these Echelon that I don’t know, which is cool, you know, ‘cause they’re Echelon.

M6:  Of course.

Me:  Anyhoosy…there’s this one girl I’m following, somehow, though I don’t remember signing up to follow her, but that’s really beside the point isn’t it?  Anyway, so the other day, she sends this Twit to our dear friends, @jaredleto, @shannonleto, and @tomofromearth.

M6:  I think I’ve heard of these people of which you speak.

Me:  Have you?   They’re pretty awesome-ish.

M6:  You don’t say.

Me:  True story.

(Oh how we giggled!  Such fun, such fun!)

Me:  So listen, M6, this girl says…wait for it…seriously, she says, OMG this is just too much to comprehend!  Whoa!  Check out that house!  That light could land planes!  That light annoys me every day that I drive home from work.

M6:  ….

Me:  Right.  So she says the following:  “Today I realized that I’m emotionally connected to you and if anything happens to you, I’ll commit suicide.”

M6:  ::shocked face::

Me:  I know! 

M6:  Well, that’s just um, extreme-ish…

Me:  Yeah!  Listen, I heart 30STM, I do, but um, enough to end my own life?  NO.

M6:  Agreed.

Me:  At the end of the day, I don’t know them, and I’m not sure I’d end my life for anyone, least of all someone I don’t know.

M6:  Completely with you on that one. 

Me:  And furthermore, I wouldn’t want anyone to end theirs for me. 

M6:  Yeah, that’d be a bit extreme.

Me:  Well, except for Mbrotha. 

M6:  Ummm…

Me:  No, I mean, NO!  I wouldn’t want him to do that.  But let’s say I expire and have found my way to the Great Big Beyond.  I’m just saying that Mbrotha would probably be so distraught about this, he’d find a way to join me there.

M6:  Naturally.

Me:  But no, I wouldn’t want him to do that.

M6:  Of course not.

Me:  But supposing I was in the Great Big Beyond…

M6:  I can’t wait to see where this is going.

Me:  Well, I’m just saying Mbrotha would probably want to be there with me.

M6:  Naturally. 

Me:  I mean, if he knew what was good for him.

M6:  Well, duh.

Me:  And God help him if he doesn’t!

M6:  Obviously.

Me:  Because I’d totally come back and haunt his ass. 

M6:  It’s only fair. 

Me:  That’s what I’m saying! 

(Thirty seconds later)

Me:  Sometimes, our conversations take a turn…

M6:  You don’t say…

November 26, 2010

Swords, Zombies, and Cartoons: This post’s got it all

I had a conversation with a coworker recently and it inspired me enough to write this post.  She discovered that I’m a bit of a book whore and since then we’ve been making recommendations to one another.  Currently I’m in my Young Adult phase and was trying to describe the premise of The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins and she was trying to remember a novel that pretty much every high-schooler reads in their high school career that had a similar post-apocalyptic/utopian kind of feel.  The only two books I can remember reading in high school are Animal Farm and The Catcher in the Rye

I hated both.  Like really hated them.  In a stab-them-with-a-sword-and-display-them-at-the-edge-of-my-yard kind of way.  (Behold!  I am Ali “The Book Impaler!”  Write an interesting novel and ye shall not be impaled!)

When I mentioned this, she regarded me in that typical you hated “The Catcher in the Rye”??? kind of disbelief that most normal folk exhibit upon hearing this sort of earth-shattering news.  Yes, yes, I did.  Holden’s a whiny bitch-ass.  And I don’t much care for repetition.  At certain points of any story, it can be quite effective, yes, agreed.  Calling every person you meet—every single damn one of them—a phony?  Not effective.  It’s aggravating in a stab-you-with-a-sword-and-display-you-at-the-edge-of-the-yard kind of way.  Grow up and grow a pair, Holden. 

But then my co-worker surprised me.  She admitted that she, too, hated it initially.  But she reread it this summer and you know what??  She realized that it’s actually quite funny.  And she suggested I reread it.  Great.  Now she’s on the bandwagon of “Holden Caulfield is the shiznit!”.  Sigh.  Somehow, though, this whole conversation inspired me though.  I realized I barely remember TCITR.  I don’t remember the plot at all, other than Holden’s a whiny bitch-ass that apparently has a limited vocabulary.  So how can I honestly say I hate this book?  And that line of thinking led me to think of all the other things in life I hated that everyone else loved.  And I realized most of the things that I hate originate from my childhood and I haven’t really viewed any of them with an adult eye so perhaps I really don’t hate these things in all reality. 

So you know what?  Challenge accepted, Linds!

Without further ado, I present to you the list of “Things I’d prefer to stab with a sword, but everyone else pretty much loves.”  I’ve decided I will revisit these terrible things and possibly formulate a new opinion.  I will then post said opinion on this here bloggity blog for your viewing pleasure.  I know, I know, I’m just too awesome for words.  It happens.  It’s science.

Things I’d prefer to stab with a sword, but everyone else pretty much loves:

1.  The Catcher in the Rye” by J.D. Salinger –  My current opinion:  Holden’s a whiny bitch-ass who needs to open a thesaurus once in a while.  My updated opinion will be a while on this one.  I’m rereading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows because I desperately want to see the movie but I read it so fast the first time three years ago that I barely remember what happens.  So once that’s all set and done, I’ll tackle TCITR.

Cover of

Cover via Amazon

 2.  “E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial” – My current opinion:  Elliott’s a whiny bitch-ass who needs to get some friends.  Some human ones.  I was nervous about displaying my opinion on this one.  People feel really strongly about E.T.  Mostly I think I hated this movie because E.T. goes all gray and zombie-like and Elliott’s really annoying when he cries about it.  I’ll let you know.  I’m pretty sure I can on-demand it so my updated opinion will be along shortly.

3.  The Beatles My current opinion:  I actually really like them.  So, why then, you ask, are they included on the sword-stabbing list?  In high school (well beyond The Beatles era) it seemed everyone and their brother were experiencing Beatlemania.  And to this day I cannot figure out why.  So that’s why I’m including them on this list.

4.  “A Charlie Brown Christmas – My current opinion:  Kill me now.  Honest to God, I’m looking forward to this one the least.  I want to viciously stab this movie.  But it’s been years since I’ve watched it.  So I don’t think it’s fair that I want to stab it and impale it on like seven different swords. 

That’s all I can think of right now.  Give me some suggestions.  Chances are if you liked it, I probably hated it.  I’m contrary like that.  Maybe we’ll make this an annual thing.