Archive for ‘humor’

February 28, 2011

A fate worse than death? You betcha!

My mom spent most of last week cleaning out her attic which resulted in a phone call to me later in the week along the lines of, “Come and get your crap that you made us keep because you might want it someday. FYI, today’s the day you want it.”

So Friday evening I opened up a dozen or so boxes filled with various bits of detritus from my childhood and teenage years.  Which sounds wildly more exciting than it really was.  Most of them contained my schoolwork and about eleventy bonkzillion stuffed animals. 

(Apparently sixth grade was my best year as evidenced by the giant Sharpie lettering “Sixth Grade:  MY BEST YEAR EVER! EVER!” on all five of the boxes housing all of my schoolwork from that year.)

(I remember I had chicken pox for a week straight in sixth grade.)

(And one time we made a color wheel that turned white when you spun it really fast.)

(And that’s it.)

(Best year ever, though.  Totally.)

I went through some of the schoolwork, but realized it was just as boring now as it was when I first experienced it.  Mostly I skimmed through it to make sure nothing I wanted to keep inadvertently got mixed up with it and then threw most of it away.  But not without discovering a few gems along the way.

For instance:  My best friends’ folder.  You know, the kind of folder where you store stickers and notes to one another and you write “Private!  Best Friends Only!” on the cover and twenty years later you have no idea exactly which best friend was allowed access to that folder.

And my “Wish Star.”  You know, the kind of star upon which you write wishes on the arms of the star for things like, “My wish for the world is world peace and no more war.” And “My wish for when I grow up is to write good stories and be famous.” And “My wish for my school is to someday have walls.”  You know, that kind of wish star.

Or, how about my letter to Jon Knight of New Kids on the Block?  Where I told him my name, and my address, my age, the names of the seventeen other girls in my grade that loved NKOTB and how I saw him on T.V. the prior afternoon and boy, did his pants ever look great!  And how much I wished I had a pair of my very own. 

But I think it’s my anti-drug campaign that really hits home.

Probably the most effective campaign I've ever seen.

 Turns out there is a fate worse than death.  And that fate is A.I.D.S. 

(For the record, we started D.A.R.E. in sixth grade.)

(D.A.R.E:  Drug Abuse Resistance Education.)

(Yes, I totally just googled that.)

(Best year ever, though.  Totally.)

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January 29, 2011

Boredom: Day Who-Cares-Anymore?

I think I’ve figured out the problem. 

Well, some of it, anyway.

Three-tenths of it, at least. 

The problem—or the trouble, depending on how you look at it—is that I’m excessively bored.  I blame Mother Nature for a good portion of my boredom.  She’s seen fit to grace my house with fifty plus inches of snow in the past month.  I don’t mind generally because I feel that it gives purpose to winter and it makes the world look magical and filled with promise.  So, props, MN, good job on the white stuff.  However, the snowstorm every three days?  It’s making me flat-out stir crazy.

The other significant source of my boredom is due to being straight-up poor.  Kind of.  You know how everyone has all that jazz come January 1st about the resolutions and the whatnot?  Well, Mbrotha and I have decided this is the year we get out of debt. 

Whoa.

Yeah, I know.  We’re just so chock-full of awesomesauce and win your mind is literally boggling right now.  Go ahead, take a moment and wrap your brain around it all.  I don’t mind.  In the meantime, here’s a visual aid depicting how I feel about debt:

 

So that’s kind of where we stand right now.  Mbrotha and I vastly dislike debt and we’ve decided we just don’t want it no’ mo’.  And truth be told, it’s something that we started prior to Resolution Saturday.  We’re just making a more concentrated effort to eradicate most of the debt that we have in 2011.  Unfortunately this has put us in the poor house and I can no longer justify spending erroneously because that money could be used toward the debt. And being responsible and mature makes Ali bat-shit crazy. 

Sometimes being a grown-up sucks some giant donkey balls.  I apologize for the crudeness in the former comment but that’s just how much being an adult sucks sometimes. 

Giant donkey balls.

And not the Giant Donkey Balls at Surfin’ Ass in Kona, HI.  (So many different shades of awesome, I kid you not.)

Just plain old giant donkey balls. 

So that’s where I’m at right now.  Bored out of my skull. 

And I’ve already written an ode to Spider Solitaire.

December 13, 2010

Manic Monday

(On the way home from M6’s work Christmas party.  Which I crashed.  Kind of.  Like as her date.  So not really crashing at all.  No, no, let’s stick with I crashed the party.  Cause I’m bad-ass like that..)

M6 motorway

Image via Wikipedia

Me:  Sooooooooooo…M6, listen, I was on the Tweeter the other day.

M6:  Do tell.

Me:  Yeah, and somehow I’m following all these Echelon that I don’t know, which is cool, you know, ‘cause they’re Echelon.

M6:  Of course.

Me:  Anyhoosy…there’s this one girl I’m following, somehow, though I don’t remember signing up to follow her, but that’s really beside the point isn’t it?  Anyway, so the other day, she sends this Twit to our dear friends, @jaredleto, @shannonleto, and @tomofromearth.

M6:  I think I’ve heard of these people of which you speak.

Me:  Have you?   They’re pretty awesome-ish.

M6:  You don’t say.

Me:  True story.

(Oh how we giggled!  Such fun, such fun!)

Me:  So listen, M6, this girl says…wait for it…seriously, she says, OMG this is just too much to comprehend!  Whoa!  Check out that house!  That light could land planes!  That light annoys me every day that I drive home from work.

M6:  ….

Me:  Right.  So she says the following:  “Today I realized that I’m emotionally connected to you and if anything happens to you, I’ll commit suicide.”

M6:  ::shocked face::

Me:  I know! 

M6:  Well, that’s just um, extreme-ish…

Me:  Yeah!  Listen, I heart 30STM, I do, but um, enough to end my own life?  NO.

M6:  Agreed.

Me:  At the end of the day, I don’t know them, and I’m not sure I’d end my life for anyone, least of all someone I don’t know.

M6:  Completely with you on that one. 

Me:  And furthermore, I wouldn’t want anyone to end theirs for me. 

M6:  Yeah, that’d be a bit extreme.

Me:  Well, except for Mbrotha. 

M6:  Ummm…

Me:  No, I mean, NO!  I wouldn’t want him to do that.  But let’s say I expire and have found my way to the Great Big Beyond.  I’m just saying that Mbrotha would probably be so distraught about this, he’d find a way to join me there.

M6:  Naturally.

Me:  But no, I wouldn’t want him to do that.

M6:  Of course not.

Me:  But supposing I was in the Great Big Beyond…

M6:  I can’t wait to see where this is going.

Me:  Well, I’m just saying Mbrotha would probably want to be there with me.

M6:  Naturally. 

Me:  I mean, if he knew what was good for him.

M6:  Well, duh.

Me:  And God help him if he doesn’t!

M6:  Obviously.

Me:  Because I’d totally come back and haunt his ass. 

M6:  It’s only fair. 

Me:  That’s what I’m saying! 

(Thirty seconds later)

Me:  Sometimes, our conversations take a turn…

M6:  You don’t say…

December 9, 2010

Boredom, Day Eleventy: Salesmanship

Limited Time Offer!  Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Ali!

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An Ali!*

*The Ali pictured above may not be the Ali you receive. 

December 3, 2010

Boredom, Day Five: Woot, Woot!

Check it out!  It only took me like eleventy million tries, but at last, AT LAST!! success is mine!

Spider Solitaire should write odes to me! 

Also, after this post, I had several comments from those nearest and dearest stating that perhaps I should write a book. 

A)  I’m flattered. 

B)  Okay!  Let’s do this! 

So, I guess, be prepared for some mumbling and grumbling in the weeks ahead because I’m sure it’s not going to go smoothly.  Forewarned is prepared.  Or something. 

But FYI, if someone says they’d like to pay me money to interview Jared Leto and find out his take on s’mores (world’s greatest food pairing OR highly overrated/room for improvement) I’m one hundred eleventy percent on board with that idea. 

P.S.  The correct answer is world’s greatest food pairing.