Archive for ‘Uncategorized’

February 16, 2011

Leprechauns, Zombies, and Jared Leto. Yeah, that sounds about right.

Oh boy, Internet.  It’s time again for that much-anticipated, and much loved by all (and by all, I mean me) feature on this blog.

Yes, that’s right.  It’s time again for:

“Invented Interchanges with the Illustrious.”

Or,

“What happens when Ali is left to her own devices.”

Or,

“I can’t be trusted around celebrities.  I really, really can’t.”

Once upon a time, I met Dave Tango of Ghost Hunters fame.  The short story of that meeting:  I accosted him, thanked him for having me to an event I paid money to attend, mumbled gibberish at him, then stared at dopey-eyed at him while snubbing each and every one of his co-stars.

Thankfully, I obtained some social graces prior to meeting one Mr. Danny Gokey of American Idol fame.  Danny and I shared a moment, y’all.  And by a moment I mean I spoke coherently and waited until I was at least fifty yards away to squeal girlishly.

Progress, right?

It is, therefore, my opinion that I should meet Jared Leto.  He’s hosting a Q&A about “Hurricane:  The Film,” at the Montalbal Theatre in LA on Monday.  And naturally, I have already planned exactly how I will attend this event despite the fact that I have yet to actually participate in any contest to win tickets. 

I imagine it would go something like this:

(I should preface this by saying I do not know Jared Leto.  At all.  Like not even a little.  So this interview?  Purely fictional.)

(Although there was this one nanosecond at the Oakdale two weeks ago where he kinda, sorta looked in my direction and may or may not have locked eyes with me as he scanned the crowd.  Maybe.  It was kind of dark and I was jumping up and down at the time, so it’s hard to be sure.  So I guess I do know him a tiny bit.  Kinda.  Sorta.  Maybe.)

Setting:  Montalban Theatre, Los Angeles, CA

Who:  Me!, Jared Leto, a bunch of other people

Me:  Hey, Jay. 

(Look at me all familiar with a celebrity I haven’t even met.  Except for that one kinda, sorta time.)

Jared Leto:  Hey, Ali.

Me:  Soooooooo….Hurricane.  Wow.

JL:  Thank you.

Me:  No, thank you.  Any favorite moments in the film?

(Technically, thanks Bart Cubbins.)

JL:  There are several. 

Me:  Hit me.

JL:  I’m partial to the scene in the beginning where I jump out of the window.  The scene’s of Tomo playing the violin and Shannon playing the drums, and the shot of the coffins with the American Flags on them.

Me:  Get the hell out of dodge!  Those are my favorites as well!

JL:  Makes sense.  This is a figment of your imagination.

Me:  Good point.

Me:  So, Jay, I’m really dying to know, as I’m sure others are as well…why one, two, three, five? 

JL:  You noticed that did you? 

Me:  Five years of French.  I was bound to retain something.

JL:  Is that all you remember?

Me:  No, no.  I can also tell you that I’d really, really like a glass of apple juice, please. 

JL:  That’s a handy skill.

Me:  At least I’ll never go thirsty should I ever visit France. 

JL:  You might get sick of apple juice.

Me:  Gosh I hope not.

Me:  So tell me, when you had the mars hawk, did you find that the pink faded incredibly quickly?

JL:  So fast.  It was depressing.

Me:  Tell me about it.  Mine faded in a week and a half.  I’m still bummed.

JL:  Understandable.

Me:  Any chance we’ll see the Marshawk again? 

JL:  I’d say it’s not outside the realm of possibility. 

Me:  ::big grin::

Me:  Okay, tell me, in a battle between leprechauns and zombies, who wins?

JL:  Zombies.

Me:  Oh my God, I love you.

JL:  Zombies always win the versus game. 

Me:  Those are the most perfect words anyone has ever said to me.  How do you feel about green beans?

JL:  They’re pretty awesome.  Especially when they’re drizzled with a little balsamic vinegar.

Me:  Okay, seriously, do you need someone to like, wipe you with a towel onstage?  Or open your water bottles?  Hell, I’ll open the blinds on the bus.  I’ll be the official blind-raiser.  I’ll pull them down too.  You want to look outside?  Done.  Feeling shy?  Done.  I’m your girl. 

JL:  I think that could be arranged. 

Me:  Wait, wait, hang on.  Before I get ahead of myself, I have to know, because this could be a potential deal breaker.

JL:  Okay, hit me with it, I’m ready.

Me:  S’mores.  Your honest opinion.

JL:  My honest opinion?

Me:  Yes.

JL:  Best. Food.  Pairing.  Ever.

Me:  ::no response, cause I’m busy dying of awe, thanks very much::

And there you have it folks.  Another stunning installment of “Invented Interchanges with the Illustrious.”

(And again, I don’t know Jared Leto.  I don’t know his opinion of green beans, or s’mores.  And he very well may feel that leprechauns will win the versus game.  He may argue that leprechauns will win because they have bottomless pits of gold to buy weapons with and they can somehow manage to trick zombies into a fruitless search after their lucky charms. 

He’d be wrong.  But that may be how he’d feel.  Because I don’t know him.  Except for a little bit.  Kinda, sorta.)

(It’d be totally cool if he wanted to be friends, though.)

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January 27, 2011

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…

Cover of "Shadowfever"

Cover of Shadowfever

Oh God, I’m depressed. 

So utterly depressed, Internet. 

Why are you depressed, Ali? You ask.

I’ll tell you, Internet.  I’m depressed because I finished Shadowfever by Karen Marie Moning.  Perhaps you feel this is not a proper reason for me to be depressed.  If you feel this way I must assume you have not read Shadowfever and therefore you should not express an opinion on the matter.  I assure you, this is plenty of reason to be sufficiently depressed. 

I loved this book.  Like I love s’mores.  And Thirty Seconds to Mars.  And Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  So you see?  Now that I’m finished?  Depression city.   

I’m quite certain I will never love a book again as much as I loved these books.  All hope is lost.  I doubt I’ll ever crack another book’s cover because I’m eleventy bonkzillion percent positive that I cannot heart it as much as I heart the Fever Series.  Gah, my soul weeps just thinking about it.

Has this ever happened to you?  Have you ever read a book that you just freaking adored and you don’t think it’s possible you’ll ever find another book that you adore even ten percent as much?  I feel your pain, my peeps. 

No, I’m sorry.  That was just wrong.  My peeps?  WTF? 

See?  See what the depression does?  It forces me to use idioms I should never try and use. 

I’m probably never going to recover.

November 24, 2010

TAPS should probably hire me

I should probably preface this post by stating that I have an overactive imagination.  An extremely overactive one.   The kind that dreams up things like gorilloceros, and beds made of clouds and rainbows.  That being said, I’m about 99.99% certain my house is haunted.  I have investigated and debunked and have come to the expert conclusion my house, is indeed, HAUNTED.

How did I come to this expert conclusion? You ask.

Fear not.  I have thoughtfully provided the evidence below.

Exhibit A  – “The Bee”

Sunday, Mbrotha was off saving the world, one chimney at a time.  Because I like him a bit and think he should stay around a while, I decided to clean up our dining room in preparation for Thanksgiving Day festivities (he’ll be doing all the cooking, because we decided that we actually want to eat on that day and if left to my own devices we’d end up with grilled cheese and funfetti cupcakes.  Like the Pilgrims ate.).   I vacuumed, I dusted (no, that’s a lie, I didn’t dust…yet) and I noticed that my Christmas cactus and my orchids looked thirsty.  I left the dining room for all of thirty seconds.  When I returned…THIS:

Motheringfucking Bee.

A motherfucking BEE.  In November.  Inside my house.  On my window.  ON. THE. INSIDE.  As I don’t carry a beehive in my backpocket, I’m utterly perplexed as to how this little fellow came to be upon my window.  Nonetheless, I left him as is (Mbrotha takes care of the scary things.  Like spiders, and insects with stabby needles in their butts.  And lizards on the ceiling.  You know, the usual.) and continued cleaning.  I had already vacuumed the entire floor and started using the wand to suck up the elephant sized tumbleweeds my dogs feel it necessary to shed on a daily basis.  And stumbled upon this:

Exhibit B – “The Bee Part Deux”

Motherfucking dead Bee.

A dead BEE.  Naturally I thought the fellow from the window had somehow managed to make his way across the room without me noticing and expired mid-flight, but NO.  There he was living his merry old bee life upon the window.  This was a second bee, dead as a doornail, upon the floor.  Which I had vacuumed in it’s entirety just minutes before.  I’ve seen the Amityville Horror.  Bees just don’t appear in your house without a damn good reason.  Like it’s haunted by a hell beast, for instance.

Maybe you’re not convinced.  Well how about this??

Exhibit C – “The Basement Door…OR…The Gates to Hell??”

 

Maybe this looks like just a door.  And it is.  Or is it?  This is the door to my basement.  And you know what?  I’m pretty sure one of these days I’m going to pass it by to turn off the outside light and I’ll hear a knock and the following conversation will take place:

Knock.

Me:  Who’s there?  What’s that?

Hell beast:  Johnny.

Me:  Johnny who????!!!!

Hell beast:  Oh, you know, just a boy.  But all work and no play makes him a dull one…Do you want that?  Do you want Johnny to be a dull boy? 

For real.  My basement is super scary.  Not in the standard old scary kind of way.  I’m talking the kind of scary where you’re minding your own business doing laundry and you catch a flash of movement out of the corner of your eye and you glance toward the far, darkest corner, where light goes to die.  You glance toward this forsaken corner expecting it to be empty, but no.  No, instead there’s a creepy-ass black-and-white child staring back at you…meowing

That’s the kind of scary I’m talking about.  Take a look again.  Yeah, now you see the hell beast.

Exhibit D – “The Footsteps” 

I don’t go down in the basement at night.  I refuse.  True story.  If Mbrotha needs laundry switched, he accompanies my terrified ass or his laundry does not get done.  During the day though, I have courage.  It still spooks the crap out of me, but I figure I have a reasonable chance of outrunning the scary child/hell beast because we all know monsters are afraid of daylight.  Generally I sing very loudly while I’m down there because I figure if I’m annoying enough, scarychildhellbeast won’t want an eternity with me (thus far, this plan is a success! Go me!).  Sunday, whilst Mbrotha was out doing manly chimney things, I made my way into the basement.  I was going about my merry way, avoiding looking at the forsaken corner, singing “Build Me Up Buttercup” when I heard them.

THE.  FOOTSTEPS.

Naturally I thought Mbrotha had returned.  So I finished up and raced back upstairs, happy to see my hubby.  But you know what, Internet?  Do you know what?

No.  Hubby. 

Nope.  Mbrotha didn’t return home for another four hours.  Are you creeped out?  Because I DEFINITELY am.

So you see, you put four and four together…my house is fucking haunted.  For real.  True story.  Case closed. 

Jay, Grant, Tango, Steve, you might want to hire this girl.

**UPDATE** So Mbrotha tells me today, before I go to post this post the story of how the dogs scared the bejeezus out of him right before I returned home from work.

Exhibit E – “The Mysterious Bang”

Mbrotha tells me he heard a bang today which he believes, but is not one hundred percent positive , that originated from the pellet stove, displayed here:

 

(The pellet stove with a Keeva in front of it.  A Keeva’s not so scary.  Unless dogs spook you.  In that case, I’m sorry.)

All three dogs went ape-shit and tore ass through the house, barking like mad.  He then heard a knock he thought came from the front door.  Do you know what he found though Internet?  No one.  They continued running through the house, barking like mad and Mbrotha could find no evidence to explain what caused the uproar.  But I know, Internet.  It was scarychildhellbeast.  I know it. 

Or maybe  a Keeva:

Heh, heh, heh...fire.

 

November 17, 2010

Mr. Gruffly gets grills

M1 begged me repeatedly for this but I was busy being awesome, so I was unable to bling out her Mr. Gruffly shirt for the Again&Again show she and I and M6 went to on Sunday in New Hampshire.  FYI, they were awesome.  M1 detailed all the awesomeness on her blog:  http://m1mely1.blogspot.com(True Story.  M6 and I were definitely hearing banjo’s, but thankfully I was not murdered in the woods and forced to come back and inhale men like a zombie in order to stay pretty à la Jennifer’s Body.  Mbrotha’s pretty pleased about that one, let me tell you.)

Anyhoo, M1 had a pickle to pick with her newest BFF’s Dutch and Wes regarding the lack of women’s apparel choices in A&A’s merchandise and also decided that Mr. Gruffly needed a little something extra.  So, this cartoon is for her. 

You’re welcome, M1. 

Check out his grills!

Mr. Gruffly is hood certified.

Instead of a brat-o-meter, I nominate an awesome-o-meter.  And I’m pretty sure I just broke it due to excessive AWESOMENESS.  Soooooooooo….how do you like that apple pie with melted cheddar and a side of awesome??!!

(It occurs to me that perhaps some of you are perplexed by the previous statement.  Completely understandable.)

I daresay my cartoon skills are improving. 

P.S.  Mr. Gruffly is a terrible representation of A&A’s signature Mr. Grizzly.  This cartoon is strictly to pacify M1 because I did not bling out Mr. Grizzly on her shirt.  You get a drawing (which is pretty awesome if I do say so myself) until I can officially bling out Mr. Gruffly on your shirt. 

September 30, 2010

To the leader, the pariah, the victim, the messiah…

Today, Internet and friends, I was witness to an epic BATTLE ROYALE betwixt two awesome bands.  Both fought admirably, each proving time and again exactly why *they* should be the Victor.  Below, I have conveniently provided a first-hand, eye-witness account of the battle field.

**************************************************************

Thirty Seconds to Mars VS. Again & Again

“The Battle for domination of Ali’s iPod.”

Our opponents:

Thirty Seconds to Mars Helmed by lead singer and guitarist (and future BFF of Ali) Jared Leto with Shannon Leto on drums, and guitarist Tomo Milicevic . 

Pros:  Helmed by Jared Leto.  Highly successful international band with a HUGE fan base that spans continents.  Cool glyphs representing the band name and their fans, the Echelon.  Helmed by Jared Leto.

Cons:  They have yet to retweet me.

Again & Again Comprised of Dutch IV – guitar, Geoffrey – lead singer, XWesX – drums, and Derek –  guitar.  (Thanks for the help guys!)

Pros:  They hail from the Pacific Northwest which is well-known for its kickin’ music scene.  Their fan base continues to just grow and grow and GROW.  Cool bear graphic on their latest album, Get More Gritty.  Cool horse graphic on their EP.  Also?  They retweet me.

Cons:  Less extensive album repertoire.  I expect this will be remedied shortly due to their being AWESOME.

The Mediators:  U2, Brandon Flowers, Ke$ha

The playing field:  My iPod, duh.

The prize:  My undying devotion?  A pack of bubblegum?  Continued cyberstalking by moi?  Only the victor will know for sure.

**************************************************************

8:45 AM – THE START OF BATTLE

Prior to the bell to signal Round One, A&A launch out of the gate with “Get More Gritty” letting 30STM know they’re more than ready for this bloodbath.

ROUND ONE “SUNDAY, BLOODY SUNDAY”

(Mediator U2)

Responding to A&A’s preemptive battle cry, 30STM responds with an epic offensive smackdown.  Immediately, we know they’re the Kings & Queens of promise, maybe even children of a lesser god.  No matter the odds (a thousand to one and a million to two) they’re ready for any revolution with an attack from yesterday.  (I had to deduct a point for cheating, though.  They admit on his face is a map of the world.) 

 “Kings & Queens” 30STM

“Kings & Queens” 30STM  (operator error allowed for a duplicate listing of this one, oops…)

“Closer to the Edge” 30STM

“R-Evolve” 30STM

“Attack” 30STM

“From Yesterday” 30STM

Round One Victor:  30STM

ROUND TWO – “CROSSFIRE”

(Mediator:  Brandon Flowers)

It quickly becomes clear in Round Two that there is some debate as to exactly why A&A and 30STM are dueling.  A&A, seemingly wooed by 30STM’s imposing battle prowess, appears to be under the impression they’re trying to court 30STM.  Jared gives a brief rundown of 30STM’s attack plan and their desire to steal millions of little pieces of A&A.  A&A insists it’s okay, they don’t need protection, they’re no damsels in distress.  Jared reminds them again they’re in the midst of WAR here folks.  A&A misinterprets again and thinks 30STM wishes for them to be their knights in shining armor.  Unexpectedly, 30STM seems to dig this but warns them they have violent nighttime tendencies.  A&A thinks these tendencies will only occur if they’re not around and verily 30STM really should give in. They both know what they want, after all.

“Believe and Breathe” – A&A

“Search & Destroy” – 30STM

“More Ripley, Less Darrow” – A&A

“This is War” – 30STM

“Wish I could Be” – A&A

“Night of the Hunter” – 30STM

“Without me Around” – A&A

“Give in to this” – A&A

 Round Two Victor:  A&A

 ROUND THREE – “ANIMAL”

(Mediator:  Ke$ha)

Our mediator for Round 3, Ke$ha decides to champion for A&A.  She tries to persuade 30STM to return to their animalistic roots.  Tonight may be their last chance, after all.  30STM considers this for a moment, but ultimately feel A&A are spouting nothing more than beautiful lies.  A&A handles the rejection well; somehow convincing themselves they rejected 30STM.  Jared takes this moment to remind everyone, again, this is WAR.  A&A, inconceivably, thinks now would be a great time to bring up something that’s bugging them.  Jared does not agree and goes in for the kill.  Don’t worry; he’s got an airtight alibi. But just when he starts thinking he’s won the war, A&A perks up and mentions their penchant for popping up and terrorizing other people’s dreams once they’ve passed on.  Jar and the boys do not like this (THEY own the night, dammit) and call upon their ace in the hole, the Echelon, to help put an end to the battle.  But it’s all good, A&A is ready to put down their arms and end this cold war, anyway.

“A Beautiful Lie” – 30STM

“Buck up Fella” – A&A

“This is War” – 30STM

“Excuse this Honesty” – A&A

“The Kill” – 30STM

“Alibi” – 30STM

“I’m Sorta Freddy Kreuger” – A&A

“Vox Populi” – 30STM

“Love like Cold War” – A&A

Round Three Victor:  Draw

*******************************************************

So, now, the question we’ve all been anxiously awaiting. 

Who is the victor?

After somewhat careful consideration, and little to no review of battle strategies, I have concluded the victor to be:

AGAIN & AGAIN!

That Freddy Kreuger shit?  That’s impressive right there (even if it is vaguely reminiscent of zombies).  Also, their persistence in pursuing 30STM and willingness to still remain friends after battle pushed them past their fellow rock brethren. 

 Congrats guys!   A pack of bubblegum to you!  Woo!