January 27, 2011

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…

Cover of "Shadowfever"

Cover of Shadowfever

Oh God, I’m depressed. 

So utterly depressed, Internet. 

Why are you depressed, Ali? You ask.

I’ll tell you, Internet.  I’m depressed because I finished Shadowfever by Karen Marie Moning.  Perhaps you feel this is not a proper reason for me to be depressed.  If you feel this way I must assume you have not read Shadowfever and therefore you should not express an opinion on the matter.  I assure you, this is plenty of reason to be sufficiently depressed. 

I loved this book.  Like I love s’mores.  And Thirty Seconds to Mars.  And Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  So you see?  Now that I’m finished?  Depression city.   

I’m quite certain I will never love a book again as much as I loved these books.  All hope is lost.  I doubt I’ll ever crack another book’s cover because I’m eleventy bonkzillion percent positive that I cannot heart it as much as I heart the Fever Series.  Gah, my soul weeps just thinking about it.

Has this ever happened to you?  Have you ever read a book that you just freaking adored and you don’t think it’s possible you’ll ever find another book that you adore even ten percent as much?  I feel your pain, my peeps. 

No, I’m sorry.  That was just wrong.  My peeps?  WTF? 

See?  See what the depression does?  It forces me to use idioms I should never try and use. 

I’m probably never going to recover.

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January 21, 2011

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming…

Hey, Internet. 

I know, I know, I’ve been unapologetically absent.  I fell victim to one of those classic blunders.  You know the one that falls after “Never get involved in a land war in Asia.” and right before “Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line?”  The one where I used to be this super awesome blogger but then I was lazy and didn’t blog? 

That one? 

My apologies, Internet.  I’ll try to not let it happen again.  The holidays happened and my grandfather passed away and I was wrapped up in all of that.  But now I’m back.  With a vengeance. 

No, no, make that a grudge. 

So I’m on this path for self-acceptance, right?  Because of that, there are certain areas of my life that I’m examining and trying to restructure to help me on this quest.  Recently I’ve started thinking that something I’ve always thought I knew about myself, something that I was positive was true about me, is, in fact, a giant lie.  And here’s why.

Recently a series of events occurred.  The details are essentially unimportant, but suffice it to say I was screwed over.  Not in a major way, but in the kind of way where you find out the true measure of a person (whom you’d already suspected, so it’s really no surprise things turned out this way).  Anyway, I was screwed over and my suspicions where confirmed as to the nature of said person. 

(The worst part of it all is said person was all, “Are you mad?”  I really hate that.  Don’t screw me over and then ask me if it upsets me.  No, you rhino’s butthole, I thoroughly enjoy getting the short end of the stick due to your douchebaggery.)

Ahem.

So this series of events happened and as I was processing the whole thing I realized something that is, essentially, the inspiration for this post.  I realized that I wouldn’t forget this series of events.  I realized that I’d remember this for years and years and years.  I realized—gasp!—that I’m a grudge holder.  I never knew this about myself, but it makes so much perfect sense that according to occam’s razor, it must be true.  All these years I’ve thought I was a forgiving person, but alas, nothing but lies.    

(Side note:  I asked Mbrotha if he thinks I hold grudges.  His response?  “I don’t know, do you?”  Thanks, Mbrotha, helpful as always…). 

Does anyone else have a sour taste in their mouth?  No?  Just me then?  Oy.  I really hate it when I discover something about myself that is not proof positive that I’m eleventy bonkzillion percent awesome.  Since I’m feng shui-ifying my life in general, this is clearly an area that needs restructuring.  Oh, but how?  I’ve been holding onto some of these grudges for ages.  Admitting is the first step to acceptance right?  Alright, here goes.

Hey, I’m Ali and I…I’m a grudge-holder. 

Okay.  So that was kind of anti-climactic.  I was expecting some sort of fanfare.  Like a parade in my honor.  Or at least a float dedicated to me in a parade.  Or sheesh, balloons at the very least.  I’d even settle for a balloon animal in the shape of a snake.  Don’t they say admitting the problem is the hardest part?  Well, I admitted my problem.  So that means I get a prize, right?  I was brave and admitted that I’m not perfect and here’s why, so surely, I deserve some sort of something, right?

Right?

RIGHT?!?

Fine.  Keep your parade then.  But don’t think I won’t remember this.  I’ll remember this for a looooooooooooong time.  Years.  Decades.   Centuries.  I’ll remember this for the next ten lifetimes.  Yeah, I will.  When you discover the cure for cancer three lifetimes from now…guess what?  Yeah, I’ll remember.  And I’ll tell the world.  Your bubble?

Consider it burst. 

How do you like that apple crumble with a slice of cheddar? 

….

….

….

Well, hell.  Hey, at least I’ve figured out the problem right?

December 13, 2010

Manic Monday

(On the way home from M6’s work Christmas party.  Which I crashed.  Kind of.  Like as her date.  So not really crashing at all.  No, no, let’s stick with I crashed the party.  Cause I’m bad-ass like that..)

M6 motorway

Image via Wikipedia

Me:  Sooooooooooo…M6, listen, I was on the Tweeter the other day.

M6:  Do tell.

Me:  Yeah, and somehow I’m following all these Echelon that I don’t know, which is cool, you know, ‘cause they’re Echelon.

M6:  Of course.

Me:  Anyhoosy…there’s this one girl I’m following, somehow, though I don’t remember signing up to follow her, but that’s really beside the point isn’t it?  Anyway, so the other day, she sends this Twit to our dear friends, @jaredleto, @shannonleto, and @tomofromearth.

M6:  I think I’ve heard of these people of which you speak.

Me:  Have you?   They’re pretty awesome-ish.

M6:  You don’t say.

Me:  True story.

(Oh how we giggled!  Such fun, such fun!)

Me:  So listen, M6, this girl says…wait for it…seriously, she says, OMG this is just too much to comprehend!  Whoa!  Check out that house!  That light could land planes!  That light annoys me every day that I drive home from work.

M6:  ….

Me:  Right.  So she says the following:  “Today I realized that I’m emotionally connected to you and if anything happens to you, I’ll commit suicide.”

M6:  ::shocked face::

Me:  I know! 

M6:  Well, that’s just um, extreme-ish…

Me:  Yeah!  Listen, I heart 30STM, I do, but um, enough to end my own life?  NO.

M6:  Agreed.

Me:  At the end of the day, I don’t know them, and I’m not sure I’d end my life for anyone, least of all someone I don’t know.

M6:  Completely with you on that one. 

Me:  And furthermore, I wouldn’t want anyone to end theirs for me. 

M6:  Yeah, that’d be a bit extreme.

Me:  Well, except for Mbrotha. 

M6:  Ummm…

Me:  No, I mean, NO!  I wouldn’t want him to do that.  But let’s say I expire and have found my way to the Great Big Beyond.  I’m just saying that Mbrotha would probably be so distraught about this, he’d find a way to join me there.

M6:  Naturally.

Me:  But no, I wouldn’t want him to do that.

M6:  Of course not.

Me:  But supposing I was in the Great Big Beyond…

M6:  I can’t wait to see where this is going.

Me:  Well, I’m just saying Mbrotha would probably want to be there with me.

M6:  Naturally. 

Me:  I mean, if he knew what was good for him.

M6:  Well, duh.

Me:  And God help him if he doesn’t!

M6:  Obviously.

Me:  Because I’d totally come back and haunt his ass. 

M6:  It’s only fair. 

Me:  That’s what I’m saying! 

(Thirty seconds later)

Me:  Sometimes, our conversations take a turn…

M6:  You don’t say…

December 9, 2010

Boredom, Day Eleventy: Salesmanship

Limited Time Offer!  Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Ali!

GET YOURS TODAY WHILE SUPPLIES LAST!

An Ali!*

*The Ali pictured above may not be the Ali you receive. 

December 3, 2010

Boredom, Day Five: Woot, Woot!

Check it out!  It only took me like eleventy million tries, but at last, AT LAST!! success is mine!

Spider Solitaire should write odes to me! 

Also, after this post, I had several comments from those nearest and dearest stating that perhaps I should write a book. 

A)  I’m flattered. 

B)  Okay!  Let’s do this! 

So, I guess, be prepared for some mumbling and grumbling in the weeks ahead because I’m sure it’s not going to go smoothly.  Forewarned is prepared.  Or something. 

But FYI, if someone says they’d like to pay me money to interview Jared Leto and find out his take on s’mores (world’s greatest food pairing OR highly overrated/room for improvement) I’m one hundred eleventy percent on board with that idea. 

P.S.  The correct answer is world’s greatest food pairing.