Posts tagged ‘Excessive displays of Awesomeness’

February 18, 2011

It’s the thought that counts, right?

Every now and again I have one of those “Aha!” moments.  You know the kind where you’re bumbling along trying to find your way and then all of a sudden something happens and you go, “Yes!  That right there!  That’s what I’m looking for!  That’s it!”  And all of a sudden birds are singing and the sun is shining and your outlook on life is just fucking amazing.  You know those moments?

I had one of those moments today.  I had no idea it was about to happen either.  I was just sitting there, minding my own business, fake-interviewing celebrities while eating my lunch. 

And Whammo!

It hits me.  This realization I’ve been searching for for ages.  And it happened at the most innocuous of times and when I was least expecting it.  A co-worker mentioned that she’s going to Haiti in March for volunteer work.  She’s volunteered once already and this is her second year going. 

That’s all it took.  I was hooked. 

Aha!

Look, let’s take a moment and air the dirty laundry.  I used to do this job I absolutely fucking hated for this company I liked even less.  Spawn of Satan is not even remotely an apt description.  It put me in this huge funk that, at times, I was positive I would never be able to recover from.  Just……bloody fucking awful.  Somehow, a miracle occurred and I was able to tell the “Dude” to go fuck off and here’s your suck-ass job to do it with (And by that I mean I politely quit and thanked them for the opportunity.). 

The end of that job allowed me to start thinking again.  Thoughts that I make available here, whether you care to hear them or not (you totally do though, let’s face it, I’m made of awesome-sauce and win).  And over the course of the last eight months I’ve figured out that I want more from my life.  Unfortunately, I’m still vastly uncertain exactly what “more” I’m looking for.  Thankfully, every now and again the universe sees fit to throw me a bone and I have an “Aha!” moment.  Thanks Universe, you rock. 

One time in my life I’d like to do something that doesn’t benefit me in any way.  When I heard about my co-worker’s trip today, I was just amazed.  I want to do that.  I want to go somewhere and help someone I don’t know simply because I can.  I want to help make a difference somewhere.  So now I just have to figure out where.  Who’s going to be lucky enough to get this girl? 

I think it’d be more accurate to say, who’s going to be unlucky enough to get this girl.  What I lack in upper-body strength, I make up for in smile-wattage.  I hope that accounts for something. 

I’m also not a huge fan of bugs or sweating.  But I can save you from the Zombiepocalypse.  At least, I’m pretty sure I can.  I haven’t had to test out my skills yet and I’d like to keep it that way.

Now it looks like I’m making fun of volunteering.  Great. 

Worst.  Volunteer.  Candidate.  Ever.

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December 9, 2010

Boredom, Day Eleventy: Salesmanship

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November 30, 2010

Contemplations in boredom…Day Two

Sometimes Mbrotha and I have conversations that are strong evidence that we should probably be committed.  I often wonder if other couples have conversations like ours.  Mbrotha says no.  He also states that our conversations start out innocently enough and then inevitably they take a turn toward the awkward and just plain weird and the culprit of that turn is fabulous moi.  I contest that he’s an active and willing participant of all these conversations. 

*************************************

After reading a recent blog post.

Me:  Did you like it?

Mbrotha:  Yeah, it was pretty funny.

Me:  What was your favorite part?

Mbrotha:  All of it.

Me:  That’s a lie.  Was it where you were gone and *not* the champion of the story?

Mbrotha:  Sure, that was it.

Me:  I know, right!  Did you like how I incorporated Smoky the Bear and Yogi aaaaaaaannnndddd The Lord of the Rings??!!

Mbrotha:  Yeah, that was pretty clever. 

Me:  I know!  I’m awesome!

Mbrotha:  You’re definitely something.

Me:  Yeah!  Awesome!

Me:  Babe? 

Me:  Babe?

Me:  Whatever, I’m awesome.

*****************************************************

While watching the first episode of “The Walking Dead” on AMC.  The scene where the guy from Jericho is contemplating shooting his now-zombified wife.

Mbrotha:  I’d shoot you if you became a zombie.

Me:  Really?  I wouldn’t shoot you.

Mbrotha:  So you’d let me be a zombie?

Me:  No.  I mean, yes.  But no.  What if there’s a cure? 

Mbrotha:  What if there’s not?

Me:  I always have hope. 

Mbrotha:  Pretend there’s not.

Me:  I still couldn’t shoot you. 

Mbrotha:  I would want you to shoot me.

Me:  Yeah, you say that now because you’re still human.

Mbrotha:  You have permission to shoot me in the brain if I become a zombie.

Me:  Not happening buddy, deal with it. 

Mbrotha:  Well, I’d still shoot you.  I don’t want you to be a zombie.

Me:  You’ll never have to face that kind of dilemma because I’ll never be a zombie.  I’m prepared. 

Mbrotha:  Oh yeah?

Me:  Yup!  You’d be a zombie in like five minutes though.

Mbrotha:  No, I wouldn’t. 

Me:  Of course you would.  You aren’t prepared.  And then I’d have to bash you in the head with a shovel and tie you up in the basement until they find a cure.  Be glad you married someone so vigilant for Zombiepocalypse. 

Mbrotha:  So glad. 

Me:  I know.  It’s because I’m awesome.

About five minutes later after the sheriff dude shoots a zombie that’s missing its bottom half.

Me:  Okay, fine.  I’ll shoot you if you’re only half a body.

Mbrotha:  It’s all I ask.

*******************************************************

Passing by a badly decorated house for Christmas.

Me:  Did you see that house?  The one that was decorated for Christmas?

Mbrotha:  The one on the corner?  With the red and purple lights?

Me:  Yeah.  That was awful!

Mbrotha:  I know.  It didn’t look like normal Christmas lights.  It looked like Halloween threw up on Christmas.

Me:  Exactly!

Mbrotha:  The red lights were like blood.

Me:  Yeah, like they were trying to go for a “Nightmare before Christmas” theme but failed.

Mbrotha:  Have a scary Christmas!

Me:  Hey kids, it’s Santa Claus….from Hell!  Ho, ho, horror!

Mbrotha:  Here’s some presents and some murder.

Me:  This Christmas?  Not so jolly. 

Mbrotha:  A little bloodier.

Me:  (to the tune of “Holly Jolly Christmas”)  Have a scary jolly Christmas, It’s the bloodiest time of year.

Mbrotha:  Nice one.

Me:  Thanks.

Three minutes later…

Me:  (still to the tune of “Holly Jolly Christmas”)  Say hello to severed toes, on everyone you meet.

Mbrotha:  Nice.

Three minutes later…

Me:  (Tune of “Holly Jolly”)  Oh, ho, the severed toes, hung where you can see.

Mbrotha:  Ok, babe, stepping over the line.

Three minutes later…

Me:  (Holly Jolly)  Somebody waits for you…

Mbrotha:  Babe!

Me:  Okaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy, fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.

Three minutes later…

Me:  Kill her once for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

One minute later…

Mbrotha:  There’s something seriously wrong with you.

*****

Probably, but don’t think I didn’t catch him humming it in the grocery store five minutes later. 

P.S. We’re probably going to hell for that last one. 

November 19, 2010

Can you put a price on AWESOME?

Sometimes it takes me a few days to write a post.  Other days, it’s like they just write themselves.  Today is one of those days.  The latter kind of day, not the former.  Brace yourself, Internet, for I have thought of an idea so AWESOME it will literally change lives. 

The inspiration for this idea comes in large part from Thirty Seconds to Mars.  You’ll be thrilled to hear that not only have they rescheduled their November 5 Clifton Park show (This is how I initially felt about it: Dear Jared, Shannon, and Tomo, you kinda broke my heart) they have also scheduled a show for the Oakdale the very next evening.  Yee-haw!  (I’ve decided to rockify yee-haw.  It had a good run as a country saying but I think it needs revamping.  Feel free to pepper it into your conversations henceforth.)  The boys have also provided Golden Ticket Packages that include things like a ticket to the show, early VIP entry, meet and greet with the band, etc, etc.  (::cough::  christmaspresent   ::cough::).  All of this started me thinking that perhaps I’ve been going about this grand ole thing called life all wrong.  After a thorough examination of the previous few months of my life, I have come to the expert conclusion that I am so very AWESOME that I should start charging people to meet me. 

I KNOW.

Genius, right?  Or perhaps you need a visual?  Thankfully, I have provided the handy dandy chart below so you can clearly and accurately see how my AWESOME quotient has increased exponentially over the last few months.

Clearly I need to start making money from this much excess of AWESOME.  So, henceforth, it will now cost you the quite reasonable price of twelve gazillion dollars to meet me/hang out with me (nearest and dearest may apply a five percent discount at checkout).  Perhaps you’re thinking to yourself, “Why Ali, only twelve gazillion?  You’re certainly worth a cool eleventy-five gazillion, easy.”  You would be correct.  I am worth a cool eleventy-five gazillion, easy.  I also happen to be just so incredibly awesome that I’m willing to offer a reasonable price for my time. 

O. M. G.  Is it possible??  Did she just become more AWESOME??!!

Yuppers! 

I accept cash, check, all major credit cards, sparkly gifts of the jewelry variety,  lavish five-star meals, spur-of-moment vacations to exotic locales (Antarctica is NOT an exotic locale, it is a cold-as-hell locale and really it need not apply.  Same goes for the Arctic.  And any place that is cold at any point in time.)  and payment in the form of kittens and puppies and baby spider monkeys. 

Also, in the very near future, I will be offering a FREE seminar via this very bloggity blog featuring tips and tricks from yours truly on the methodology on how to become AWESOME (Not as awesome as me, of course.  I came unto this world with extra awesome and unfortunately it cannot be equaled.).  Please feel free to email me for details.  If you register now, I’ll include a picture of Mbrotha signed by fabulous moi! 

P.S.  The Fab Trio (myself, M1 and M6, duh) are available for meet-and-greets.  « BY APPOINTMENT ONLY«

November 7, 2010

How to Achieve “Brain Vomit” (now with pictures!)

You know what this blog needs? 

(The correct answer is nothing because you possibly can’t get more awesome than this.)

Visuals. 

Whoa, now.  Holy crap, is it possible?  Did she just become MORE awesome?  I didn’t even think that could happen!

Well, guess what suckers! 

It happened.

Strictly for your viewing pleasure, I have decided to add visual aids to some of my posts starting today  (Not all.  I like to keep you on your toes.  Will this post have a visual aid?  Maybe, maybe not.  The only way to know for sure is to tune in and find out.  (See what I did there??  Admit it, you’re impressed.)).  And now, without further ado, I present to you the exact process of how to achieve “Brain Vomit.”

How to Achieve “Brain Vomit” (now with pictures!)

Mbrotha tells me that I have this tendency to spew forth random thoughts without any preamble (not to be confused with “Here’s a thought, but then here’s another, and whoa, another, another, another, another…” as my dad likes to do.  But that’s another post entirely.).  Much like so:

Fail to make the connection between blueberry syrup and zombies?  So did Mbrotha:

Thankfully, I will now provide visual aids detailing the thought process of how we went from blueberry syrup to zombies. 

You see, whilst Mbrotha was describing the variety of syrups we own that I was here-to-for unaware of, my fancy little noggin was occupying itself with what topic to discuss in my next bloggity blog:

And that my friends is how a conversation, in ten seconds flat, starts off with blueberry syrup and ends with zombies.

And because I’m feeling particularly generous today, one more visual aid:

P.S. You’re welcome SyFy for the free advertising.