Posts tagged ‘Zombies? Not so yummy.’

February 26, 2011

Conversations with Mbrotha: V is for Vampirism

I have a deep and abiding fear of zombies. 

Well, maybe not so much a fear.  More of an intense and growing concern that the entire world will turn into zombies at some point during my lifetime. 

On a normal day, I’d say this concern consumes roughly forty percent of my thoughts at any given moment. 

On a day that I feel like a giant booger? 

On those days my only thoughts are zombies. 

Which results in the following types of conversations:

Setting:  The boudoir

Who:  Me and Mbrotha

When:  Sometime in the last week or so, I was sick and time was hazy.

Somehow Mbrotha and I were talking about how we’re both sick and one of us (me) suggested that we probably had the zombie virus and we were both 100% likely to turn into zombies overnight and wake up fully zombified.  At this point, the conversation was all laugh-y, laugh-y, joke-y, joke-y.  Haha, we’re going to turn into zombies.  Oh, hope you don’t eat me, teehee!  Mm, your brain smells tasty, hoho! 

What fun, what fun!

Mbrotha:  Goodnight, babe, love you.

Me:  Night, love you.  Hope you don’t turn into a zombie, heeheehohohaha.

Mbrotha:  Okay then.

::about five minutes passes by and then…::

Me:  Um, hey, babe?

Mbrotha:  Yeah.

Me:  I’m sort of legitimately concerned you’ll turn into a zombie overnight.

Mbrotha:  I’m not going to turn into a zombie, pumpkin, don’t worry.  Go to sleep, good night, I love you.

Me:  Okay, phew.  Night, love you too.

::another five minutes::

Me:  No, seriously, babe, I’m really very concerned you will turn into a zombie overnight.

Mbrotha:  Honey, I’m not going to turn into a zombie.  Go to sleep.

Me:  Okay.

::five minutes::

Me:  Babe?

Mbrotha:  I’m not a zombie.

Me:  Not yet.

Mbrotha: Nor will I become one.

Me:  Listen, hon, I don’t think you fully understand my concern.

Mbrotha:  I do, now go to sleep.

::five minutes::

Me:  Hon, I’ve really thought about it, and I’m quite convinced you’re about to turn into a zombie.

Mbrotha: I’m not, I assure you.

Me:  You’re sick.

Mbrotha: I have a cold.

Me:  Or the beginnings of the zombie virus cleverly disguised as the common rhinovirus.

Mbrotha:  I’m pretty certain it’s a cold. 

Me:  Really?  Because I’m not convinced.

Mbrotha:  Okay, go to sleep.

::five minutes::

Me:  No, you are clearly becoming a zombie and because of that I already have my escape route planned.

Mbrotha:  It’s a cold.

Me:  No, listen.  I’m really freaked out here.

Mbrotha:  I know, honey, but I’m fine, it’s just a cold.

Me:  Okay, fine.  But look, in the morning, if you are no longer a human but a member of the living undead, I fully plan to bash you in the head with the iron and since you’re now undead I’ll have to bash you several times.  Then I plan to run down the hallway and call my mom.  But I can’t because now the whole world is full of zombies including my mom, so I can’t call her which means I have to deal with you on my own.

Mbrotha:  Naturally.

Me:  Right.  And you’ve chased me down the hall but you get distracted by the smell of the dogs and I can’t let you just eat them now can I?  So I have to clobber you repeatedly until I manage to knock you unconscious.  Then I’ll have to work quickly and tie you up.

Mbrotha:  Smart.

Me:  I’m going to put you in the bathroom okay?  I’ve thought about it and it’s really the safest place for you.  I don’t want other zombies to get to you and I figure they won’t be able to crawl through the window because it’s small and I plan to barricade it and the door with pieces of wood from the garage.  Plus I’ll put you in the tub and I’ll draw the curtain so if another zombie makes it inside, they won’t think to look inside of the tub.  Zombies aren’t that bright, you know?

Mbrotha:  Why would another zombie try to get to me?  I’m already a zombie.

Me:  How the fuck am I supposed to know?  It’s Zombiepocalypse!  Times are crazy!  Every zombie for themselves!  Or something.

Mbrotha:  Okay.  Well, you don’t have to worry about that because I’m not going to become a zombie. 

Me:  I sure hope not!

Mbrotha:  Go to sleep.

::five minutes later::

Me:  Look, if you’re so intent upon becoming one of the undead, I’d much prefer you contract the vampire virus. 

Mbrotha:  I’ll keep that in mind.

Me:  I’m A-okay with vampirism.

Mbrotha:  Great.

Me: But not werewolvism.  And not one of those creepy vamps from “30 Days of Night.”  I mean, we have to draw the line somewhere.

Mbrotha:  Right.

Me:  But if you want to be a vamp like Edward from Twilight?  I’m fully on board with that idea. 

Mbrotha:  So I can only be undead if I become a vampire? 

Me:  Correct. 

Mbrotha:  Okay, just so I’m clear. 

Me:  Great.  So, to recap.  Zombies and werewolves, hell no.  Vampires, hell yes. 

Mbrotha:  Mmhmm.

Me:  I feel better now that that’s settled. 

Mbrotha:  Good, I’m glad.  Go to sleep, love you.

Me:  Love you, too.  Night.

::The next morning::

Text message from Ali to Mbrotha:: 

Thank God you’re not a zombie.

November 29, 2010

This is probably why I should not be left alone for long periods of time…

What happens when Ali goes bonkers with boredom? 

This:

Today I think I’m going to introduce a feature that I think will really break some ground.  The working title of this feature is “Invented Interchanges with the Illustrious.”  (I do heart me some alliteration.)  I think it’s going to be HUGE.  How many celebrity interviews have you read where the interviewer asks the same old boring questions?  Answer:  ALL OF THEM.  I’m prepared to change that.  I plan on asking the real questions, the real nitty-gritty stuff.  What we, the bourgeoisie, really want to know. 

I chose Mark Salling for my first foray into the world of interviewing because I follow him on Twitter and well, gosh darn, he just seems fun.  Plus his dog?  Hank?  Pretty flipping awesome.  He does that whole hold a treat on the nose then flip it into the air and eat it trick.  How could you not want to fake interview this guy??

Ahem.  🙂

Mark Salling (Puck from Glee)

Image by VancityAllie via Flickr

Mark Salling rocketed to fame after landing the role of Noah “Puck” Puckerman on the hit Fox show, “Glee.”  In addition to being all-around-hottie, Mark has also launched a solo record entitled Pipe Dreams.  We meet for a round of golf near his childhood home in Texas.

Me:  Mark, I feel it imperative to warn you, I’m an ace when it comes to golf.

Mark Salling:  Is that right?

Me:  Indeed.  I average a cool eleventy-five.  And that’s just the front nine.  In fact, I’m so damn talented at golf they had to rename it to AITMAAT:  Ali is the most awesome at this.

(We take a break from interviewing because Mark is overcome with the giggles due to my cleverness.)

Me:  Fact.  You had me at faux-hawk.

MS:  Yeah, I get that lot.

Me:  So, Mark, we’re all dying to know…in a war between zombies and vampires…who wins?

(He pauses to consider this.  This bodes well for our future friendship.)

MS:  Vampires.

Me:  Interesting.  Why’s that?

MS:  Because vampires retain their consciousness while zombies lose all remnants of who they formerly were.  Zombies main goal in unlife are brains, brains and more brains.  Blood is merely the main staple of a vampire diet.  Sure they go a little nutty when it’s spilled, but they can function outside of this craving and therefore are able to strategize and ultimately defeat the zombies.

Me:  You make valid points; I’m tempted to agree with you.  Unfortunately you are incorrect.

(I show him the following graph to help illustrate my point.)

Edward Cullen? Not so much.

Me:  As you can see, vampires and zombies share some commonalities between them, such as they’re both undead and they can transfer their affliction through biting.  Unfortunately, vampires have two fatal flaws.  You see, vampires require three bites—or an exchange of fluids depending on your source—so this requires persistence and planning ahead.  Zombification requires just one small bite in order to be transferred.  While vampires are busy planning for their minions, zombies are running around biting anyone they please, thereby just adding and adding to their army.  Also, vampires are allergic to sunlight.  This is their crucial weakness.  Zombies have no such allergy and can therefore make new zombie minions at any time of the day or night.  So you see, vampires may have the strength, but zombies have the numbers and will therefore, ultimately, be victorious.

MS:  You’ve really thought this through.

Me:  Of course.  You never know when the Zombiepocalypse is going to occur.

MS:  It pays to be prepared.

Me:  Exactly.  Speaking of the Zombiepocalypse…your best friend has turned into a zombie so you are allowed to engineer a brand-y new one.  What qualities do you look for?

MS:  This is *during* the Zombiepocalypse?

Me:  Mmmhmm.

MS:  Well then, I’d suppose I’d want my new best friend to have awesome stealth ninja-assassin skills.  And some mad archery/sniper proficiency.

Me:  Excellent choices.

MS:  They’d also have to have a sense of humor.  No sense going through the Zombiepocalypse all doomy and gloomy.

Me:  Why make a bleak situation even bleaker?  I get it.

MS:  Exactly!  And they’d need to be loyal.  I can’t have my best friend thinking they see a pretty girl—or guy depending on their preference—and you know, it’s been a while what with it being the Zombiepocalypse and all, so they run off and turns out it’s just a zombie with a sweet caboose and BAM!  Best friends a zombie!

Me:  Makes sense.  Bro’s before ho’s.

MS:  Bro code number 179:  Stay loyal to your fellow non-zombies lest you become one.

Me:  True that.  Okay, Mark, now for the tough stuff.  Finish this sentence:  Tony Romo is __________.

MS:  Easy.  Two words:  Overrated and a douche-canoe.

Me:  My thoughts exactly!  And I don’t even know what a douche-canoe is, even though this whole interview is just a figment of my imagination!  If anyone’s a douche-canoe though, it’s Tony Romo.

MS:  You know, Ali, I grew up in Texas and I’ve always felt it a damn shame there isn’t a football team that better represented this fine state.

Me:  Well, the Texans are starting to come around…

MS:  I suppose.  Even still, they’ll never live up to the majesty of say, I don’t know, the New York Giants.

Me:  So true, Mark, so very true.

(We pause for a moment to savor this time of bonding.)

Me:  Okay, so there’s this new game-show.  It’s pretty simple.  You get twelve gazillion dollars for committing and following through with one of the following three choices.  A)  You tattoo an homage to Betty White across your entire back and chest.  B)  You participate in an ad campaign for an up-and-coming hot dog vendor by standing naked in the middle of Times Square shouting at passerby to please, ask you about your wiener.  Or C)  You drink a gallon of toilet water.  Which do you choose?

MS:  Hm, that’s a tough one.  How long do I have to stand out in Times Square?

Betty White at the premiere for The Proposal

Image via Wikipedia

 

Me:  Twelve hours.  That way you hit both the lunch and dinner rush.

MS:  Smart.  Winter or summer?

Me:  Summer.  We don’t want you to freeze.

MS:  The toilet water:  dirty or clean?

Me:  Clean.  We don’t want you to contract any communicable diseases.

MS:  Just Betty’s face or multiple photos?

Me:  Multiple.  We call it, “ Betty through the Golden Years.”

(He pauses to consider his options.)

MS:  B) Stand naked in Times Square shouting at passerby to ask me about my wiener.

Me:  Really?!  Well, color me shocked.  I honestly thought you’d choose A.

MS:  That’s abundantly interesting as this entire interview is a figment of your imagination.

Me:  Psychiatrists wet dream right here, Mark.  Ok, last question before I lay the most epic of smack downs on you in AITMAAT.  E.T.:  The Extra-Terrestrial…what are your thoughts?

MS:  Awful film.  Elliott’s a whiny bitch-ass.  And is no one concerned that E.T. goes all gray and zombie-like?  Their fucking scientists.  This doesn’t worry them in the slightest?  Thanks for the Zombiepocalypse, mofo’s.

Me:  You’re my hero.

And there you have it folks.  Ali S. – Fake interviewing celebrities around the globe.

FYI, when the Zombiepocalypse happens (and it absolutely will) I totally call dibs on Mark Salling for my Zombie-fighting posse.  He gets it.  And that’s a quality I admire.

P.S.  Zombies always win the vs. game.  No matter what.  Zombies ALWAYS win.  The world is doomed.

November 7, 2010

How to Achieve “Brain Vomit” (now with pictures!)

You know what this blog needs? 

(The correct answer is nothing because you possibly can’t get more awesome than this.)

Visuals. 

Whoa, now.  Holy crap, is it possible?  Did she just become MORE awesome?  I didn’t even think that could happen!

Well, guess what suckers! 

It happened.

Strictly for your viewing pleasure, I have decided to add visual aids to some of my posts starting today  (Not all.  I like to keep you on your toes.  Will this post have a visual aid?  Maybe, maybe not.  The only way to know for sure is to tune in and find out.  (See what I did there??  Admit it, you’re impressed.)).  And now, without further ado, I present to you the exact process of how to achieve “Brain Vomit.”

How to Achieve “Brain Vomit” (now with pictures!)

Mbrotha tells me that I have this tendency to spew forth random thoughts without any preamble (not to be confused with “Here’s a thought, but then here’s another, and whoa, another, another, another, another…” as my dad likes to do.  But that’s another post entirely.).  Much like so:

Fail to make the connection between blueberry syrup and zombies?  So did Mbrotha:

Thankfully, I will now provide visual aids detailing the thought process of how we went from blueberry syrup to zombies. 

You see, whilst Mbrotha was describing the variety of syrups we own that I was here-to-for unaware of, my fancy little noggin was occupying itself with what topic to discuss in my next bloggity blog:

And that my friends is how a conversation, in ten seconds flat, starts off with blueberry syrup and ends with zombies.

And because I’m feeling particularly generous today, one more visual aid:

P.S. You’re welcome SyFy for the free advertising.

September 2, 2010

Blog of the Living Dead

Dear Internet,

I have decided to tell you a secret.  A poorly kept one.  Okay, so maybe not so much a secret as a tidbit of information, a morsel if you will.  And that morsel is this:

ZOMBIES TERRIFY ME.

And when I say terrify, I mean it legitimately.  Zombies scare the ever-loving bejeezus out of me.  Once upon a time, in my younger years, I was afraid of normal things, like vampires and ghosts and demons and things of that nature (now I realize the error of my ways and wear my blood type in bright shiny lettering with pride.  Because really?  If some hot vegetarian vampire named Edward thinks my blood is his cocaine?  I’m totally on board with that.) .  That all changed when I watched a flick entitled Dawn of the Dead

Because of that film, I literally prepare myself on a daily basis for a zombie invasion.  You never know when one might occur and I’d rather be prepared, thank you very much.  I consistently plan out my escape route and what weapons will be handy  and what would make the best home base (a room with only one entry point and a door that is heavy and has many locking mechanisms). 

(In a related (somewhat) sidenote, it’s also pertinent to have a full arsenal of household-items-that-double-as-weapons in case you’re ever attacked by The Strangers which, incidentally is not so much based on a true story but spooked me enough to realize that I have several lamps in the living room that would work very handily as head-bashing weaponry.  The TV tray tables would also do the job quite nicely, I presume.)

Of course, the sad reality is I’m more likely to be that really annoying crying chick that you really wish would hurry up and die already but manages to somehow stick it out until almost the very end of the movie.  I’m a first class wimp (case in point?  The DEATH FOG we encountered in Hawaii.  I’m 99% certain it was a government coverup of poisonous zombie making gas that they conveniently blamed on the volcano Kilauea, FYI.) and I know should I be approached (read: ATTACKED, BITTEN, BRAIN-VIOLATED) by a member of the recently reanimated dead, I am more likely to be zombie food than a bastion against the force of Zombie Nation. 

As an habitual planner, however, should I somehow manage to evade the horror of becoming a zombie/zombie dinner, I would very much prefer to have all my ducks in a row.  Hence, I plan for attack on a daily basis on the off-chance I wake up one morning and my husband is down at the end of the hallway and he’s looking at me like my lovely brain would indeed be a pretty tasty pre-breakfast morsel.  It’s good to have options you know what I mean? 

So there you have it internet.  I’m afraid of zombies.  Not as much as I’m scared of spiders, mind you.  But enough so that I think about it daily.  And if that day comes when we start hearing stories about some strange virus that makes people act kind of nutty and said people start munching on other people? 

Well you can bet your ass I’ll be ready with my M9.  (read: BAZOOKA)